What's My Name?
by Hack.Drawer
Summary: Rich, spoiled brat Law needs Sanji to acknowledge him, but unfortunately for him, the kid is a tough one to crack. It'll take all of his brains, bravery and the help of Baby 5 and Buffalo to get that kid's attention. AU, kid-fic
1. Chapter 1

It was officially the _worst day ever_ for Trafalgar Law.

It began with Vergo waking him up in the wrong order of sequences; then his favorite skinny jeans ripped at the knee when he was dressing; then he realized his Jordans were creased, then Baby had taken off with his favorite hair brush THEN when he finally got to school it was because Pink had taken the Lamborghini instead of the Bugatti and it was embarrassing emerging from the car because Pink's damn car was _pink_ …

During one of his classes, his teacher praised in front of everybody for his perfect grades; some cute girl gave him her Instagram at, and one of the lunch ladies gave him an extra veggie juicebox. In PE, he scored six threes in a row so everyone praised him with their attention and the Varsity coach offered him a position on the team without a try-out and _now_ …

What made the day even worse was that Sanji Blackleg kept ignoring him.

It was absolutely the _worst_ and Law went home furious. It didn't matter what he did to get that kid's attention, Sanji would NOT give him a single glance!

"You're such a _dork_ ," Baby commented with an eye roll and shake of her head as she watched him flop onto his California King-sized bed with a frustrated shout. She folded her arms across her chest. "I think you're only imagining things. _Of course_ he's noticed you. Every kid in the school knows who you are, even the big kids."

"It might be that he's _still_ just a kid," Corazon said lightly, sitting cross legged at the doorway while Law shot him a furious look. Baby whipped around with a shocked gasp – both of them then sneered at the man looking at them cheerfully, eager to learn about their day. "And little kids don't care about bigger kids."

"He's in sixth grade, and most of those little shits are already making googly eyes at each other," Law huffed.

"Do you want to marry him?"

Baby and Law shouted furiously at him, throwing whatever they can grab. Corazon hastily took off to avoid the flurry of objects while Law looked at Baby incredulously. "All I want is for that kid to acknowledge me. Never did I say anything about marrying! _Gross_."

"He's _so_ gross," Baby agreed.

"Of course I understand that the considerable age distance between us is a legal problem," Law went on with a shake of his head. "After all, I could get into serious trouble with the law if I admitted that I want the attention of a sixth grader."

" _Considerable_ trouble," Baby chimed in, mirroring his intense expression.

"All I want is for the little fucker to look at me and say fucking 'hi'."

" _Fuck_ yes."

"LANGUAGE!" they heard Doflamingo shout from somewhere within the mansion, causing them both to jerk with surprise. "MAKE IT DARKER!"

Law rolled his eyes while Baby looked around herself with a confusion, wondering if the man was somehow monitoring them. He looked down at his ruined Jordans. "Damn. I have no more shoes to wear."

Baby's eyes locked on the floor to ceiling shoe rack near the floor to ceiling window, filled with all the latest in Nike and Jordan shoe wear. Most of them had been worn once.

"He's twelve, right?"

" _And a half_ , so…I have to be really careful not to let the adults see."

"You're _thirteen_ …"

" _And a three-quarters_ , I'm mentally older than most jerks in my grade, so that matures me by a long slide."

Baby flipped her long hair over her shoulder with impatience. "I think it'll be _fine_ …."

Hands steepled together, Law stated firmly, "I just think that once he notices me, he can mature as fast as me. Then his age won't be of any question."

"So - ! When you say like, is it _like_ -like? Or…like- _love_ like? Or…?"

"That little shit kicked me so hard that I dented Machvise's Escalade with my fucking _face_. I just want him to look at me and apologize for the obsession I have developed as the result of traumatic brain damage."

Baby rolled her eyes again as Law huffed, revisiting the memory with a bitter expression.

The next day at school, Law felt like he'd regained some of his control. Corazon dropped them off in a more suitable vehicle – the restored 1970 bright red Pontiac Firebird Trans Am – and many of the sixth graders were milling around their usual hangout spot, which was the flagpole. One of those kids was Sanji Blackleg – Law noticed the kid look back at the roar of the engine, pausing in mid-chew of whatever it was he was eating. So that upped Law's confidence levels as he, Baby and Buffalo stepped up onto the sidewalk to make their way into the building.

Chin high, Law gripped his backpack with one fist and listened to the awed comments of the younger kids as Corazon tore out of the parking lot. The sudden screech of tires, followed by a screaming metallic crash of sound caused everyone to gasp. Law himself whipped his head around to see that Corazon had wrecked the vehicle, sending it flying through a city bus and flattening against someone's garage while everyone gaped with incredulous sound.

Baby laughed hysterically while Law's mouth dropped open. He was impressed by the wreckage, but how mortifying it was that Cora that had caused the attention.

"What a dork!" one kid called out before laughing hysterically, other kids following suit. Law reddened, as if personally mortified by what that man did. He saw that Sanji was snickering along with the others, turning his back to Law and skipping off with a couple of his friends to the building.

 _He skipped_.

He ignored Law _once again_ , despite having seen Law emerge from that car just moments earlier. He basically just flipped Law off – so Law colored with rage.

"You little shits!" he screamed, drawing everyone's attention. "I'll kill you all for laughing!"

Most of the sixth graders shrieked and ran off in various directions while Baby and Buffalo snickered. They had to grab Law to prevent him from actually trying, while across the street, Corazon flopped from upside down car on the garage rooftop and did a single backflip onto the grass below when he tried to catch his footing. The bus itself, after being evacuated, burst into flame.

: :

The next day, Law looked over to the sixth grade table while he chewed sullenly on his blue tuna fish salad. Sanji was daintily eating the cafeteria spaghetti while his friends tossed food at each other before sneaking portions from abandoned trays.

 _Such a_ dork, Law's inner voice hissed with repugnance, but his eyes were stubbornly locked onto the kid. Sanji was pretty normal for a twelve year old – just barely over four feet tall, with crooked teeth that were sure to straighten out with his maturing years, and in possession of floppy, messy hair. He had a healthy, rotund torso accompanied by long, skinny limbs. He was a kid that spoke with a faint lisp because of his teeth. But he wore his sometimes patchy clothes stiffly and primly where everything was buttoned and hemmed and though it looked like everything he wore was thrift store content, the fact that he was a happy kid made the overall presentation enjoyable – er, _memorable_.

Law chewed furiously while Baby and Buffalo traded side dishes that Vergo was patiently serving them from the head of the table while monitoring teachers looked on with discomfort.

They were the richest family in town, but unfortunately, the town wasn't that big at all. Why Doffy preferred to settle in the countryside instead of the biggest coast city was beyond Law's comprehension, but who was he to complain when he was served fresh, five star dining meals at lunch every day?

He reached out and picked up a blueberry from his fruit parfait, throwing it in Sanji Blackleg's direction. Before the piece of fruit could hit him, a kid from his group launched up from the table and snagged it with his mouth. Sanji didn't even notice, focused on the words coming from some redhead's constantly moving mouth. Law grit his teeth as the smaller kid indicated that he repeat the action, mouth wide open.

Law returned his attention to his sandwich, glaring at the windows. "How hard is it for that kid to even look at me?" he complained to Baby with an incredulous tone. "Am I that plain?"

"Sir, you are absolute perfection, destined for success in the modeling world, and any kid that doesn't notice you now is of a certain disability," Vergo answered stoically. "I have already notified their parents of their uselessness and they should be here soon to remove that blind naked mole rat from the premises out of utter shame. Of course, I will personally stand by to make sure it happens."

"Vergo, you did not," Baby laughed merrily.

"I did not," Vergo agreed gravely. "This was only a fantasy."

"Let's not get out of line," Law muttered, lowering his fork. He sneaked another glance at Sanji as the kid snickered into one hand at someone's joke. Law's cheeks flushed. "I just need to try harder."

Near the end of the day, Law was fussing over his hair in one of the bathroom mirrors. He had a certain style that took him nearly forty-five minutes in the morning to perfect, and PE had left it mussed and misshaped. He used water to reactivate the gel but certain sections fell flat and he was getting angrier by the minute. He considered calling Vergo back to the school with his hair dryer. He couldn't return to his class looking like this – he was quite anal with the way he wanted to look, and he didn't want the girls fawning all over him again just because he looked 'messy'. He couldn't stand to hear their whiny voices as they pinched and pawed at him while the boys looked on with jealousy – it was a serious hassle.

The door slammed open and Sanji walked in with a whistle, hands in his pockets while a leg lowered. Law froze at the sink, water dripping from his hair.

Sanji dismissed him as he continued to whistle, heading to one of the stalls.

Flustered, Law watched his reflection walk past him. The ceiling of the bathroom was more interesting to this kid than the actual only person standing there. Law's fingers tightened at the edge of the sink.

"Don't shit while I'm still in here!" he snapped viciously, Sanji pausing in mid-whistle to look at him.

"Oh, _I'm sorry_ ," he apologized grandly – rather theatrically for a kid of his size. He bowed in Law's direction with a hand flutter. Law whipped around from the mirror to glare at him. "Your liege…when will you be finished pampering yourself so that I might relieve myself?"

Law didn't think he'd actually be addressed by the kid after being ignored for so long. So his mind went blank, mouth opening and closing with an answer he tried to acquire. His fingers tapped nervously at his chin before Sanji straightened up to look at him with a scowl.

His foot crashed through the sink, nearly crushing Law into the wall.

"I don't give a shit about your comforts!" Sanji shouted at him furiously, face and neck reddening with the effort. "I'm going take a shit and you're bothering me with your shitty attitude! No one can take a shit in these conditions! Get the hell out! Stupid kid! OUT!"

Law scurried out because he wanted to, not because he felt intimidated by a kid that could kick a hole in school sinks. The door swung shut behind him, the sound of Sanji resuming his cheerful whistling catching his ear. Astonished, Law gaped at the closing door, then turned and headed back to class in a state of shock.

: :

The next day, he and Baby worked out a plan before school. Buffalo just drew it, not really allowed an opinion but given something to do so that they could concentrate.

"I noticed he really likes girls, so I'm going to catch his attention _here_ ," Baby said, pointing at Buffalo's crayon map of the school's lay-out, "and _this_ is where you come in. You will interrupt my flirting to say some mean things to him. Once he is focused on you, he'll have to really see just what sorta kid you can be, and he will never forget who you are again. He'll need to be forced to respect you, so amp up your attitude."

Law considered the possibilities while Buffalo added in a sun at the corner of the paper, along with a smiling face. Tapping his chin with thought, Law then nodded. "This will work."

"Of course, it can get tricky," Baby added gravely, "because he might not notice me at all. So I need to wear my purple dress, today, and every time I do, Cora tries to make me wear something else over it, so I don't know how effective it could be."

Law gave her a disgusted sneer. " _Ugh_. The one where you think it gives you boobies?"

" _Yes_! I look so grownup in it!" Baby cried.

"No, you look like a kid playing dress up. Don't do that, that's just embarrassing for the rest of us," Law grumbled while Baby looked slapped. "Just wear your normal clothes. You're just a normal girl."

"You're so _mean_ , Law! I don't want to help you if you're just going to be mean!"

"I'm not being _mean_ , I'm just _saying_!"

" _Law_!" Doflamingo snarled from somewhere within the depths of the mansion, causing the three to stiffen, "Baby looks like she's fifteen years old in that dress! Acknowledge her!"

" _Ew_ ," the three kids whispered to each other with disgust, hearing Doflamingo being chastised by others. Wherever they were, their voices were faint so it still made Baby wonder how the man could hear them. The trio returned to their plans, where Law gave it a determined nod.

"Alright. Let's do this!" he said, Baby and Buffalo nodding with the same attitude.

Once it came time for the plan to move into effect, Buffalo cleared the hall of kids in the pair's path. Sanji was at his locker, tongue caught between his teeth as he focused on his combination. His friends were all around him but they were rocked like bowling pins when Buffalo cleared a path through them for Baby to approach Sanji.

The kid looked at her with surprise, then brightened with delight as Baby pranced up to him with her hand on her hip, her other hand flipping through her hair.

"Heyyyyy," she drawled, struggling for sultry. Then she froze because she and Law had not planned out the exact conversation to have when it came to actual flirting.

" _Hi_!" Sanji exclaimed, not noticing his friends as they picked themselves up from the floor, Buffalo poised over them menacingly. "Wow, you are _very_ pretty today…you look _at least_ sixteen…"

Baby blushed while Law waited for a signal they did not discuss. "Oh…thank you…"

Sanji offered her his arm. "May I please be the lucky man that escorts you to your next class, miss?"

"Oh, yes! I accept!" Baby gasped, taking his arm while his friends looked on with shock and Buffalo looked confused. Law froze because this was not part of the plan, and it looked like Baby had forgotten all about him. Sanji beamed with delight as he walked Baby to her next class, the girl tittering with joy at being treated like a lady.

With frustration, Law kicked the locker next to him while Buffalo looked to him for direction.

"Sorry," Baby apologized at home later that day. "He made me feel like a woman so I get why you're so obsessed with him."

" _Argh_!" Law cried, drawing his hands down his face. "You're so stupid! This wasn't part of the plan!"

Baby blushed, covering her cheeks. "The things he said to me…I don't think I can repeat them."

Law gave her a skeptic look. He'd followed after them, and all Sanji did was discuss how "beautiful" Baby was and how she was certain she'd grow up to be more beautiful than Nami if Nami didn't get enough for her future boob job. The kid was so uneducated and poorly informed that it hurt Law deep in the guts.

"We need to discuss how to get his attention in a different manner," Law said, shaking his head.

"If he likes girls, maybe you should dress up as one and pretend to fall in love with him, lead him on, then disappear," Doflamingo suggested, propping his chin up within both fists, ankles crossed as the pair looked at him with disgust. He was laying on his stomach, listening to them plot, wearing an expression of pride. "Trust me, it's happened to me and it's something a man can never forget!"

Law considered this while Baby brushed Doflamingo's short hair with her (their) brush. Doflamingo had bought it from a northern country, and the bristles were made of whale bone. Law rubbed his chin as he narrowed his eyes. "That might actually work…there is a school festival on Friday where we will all be allowed to wander the school for last period. Vergo can find me a wig. Baby can do my makeup. I can borrow one of Jora's dresses from her hope chest, the ones she has hidden away before she got fat."

" _I'm not fat_!" Jora cried from somewhere, her voice tinny. Law and Baby glanced around with apprehension as Doflamingo's lips pursed.

Baby's eyes glittered. "Law, can I really? Cora bought me a whole new Naked palette set, and I haven't had a chance to try it out!"

"We have exhausted all efforts, and it's important that I keep on trying," Law said grimly, balling up one small fist. "I want to ruin him for causing me such tremendous pain, and this is a good way to inflict intense psychological damage upon him."

"Well, I don't know about all of that," Baby said skeptically, "but I just really want to see if you can pull it off. I'm selfish that way."

Doflamingo kicked his legs with excitement. "This is going to be great! Let's go find a dress!"

Peeking out from behind the doorframe, Corazon looked on with jealousy.

: :

The day of the plan, everything leading up to the moment went rather well. Law looked as if he could pass as Baby's older sister. Baby looked proud of her work, clutching her makeup brushes within one hand while Buffalo looked utterly confused. Hands on his hips, Law nodded. They had locked the boys' bathroom door so Baby could perform her magic, but they could hear kids' voices filling the hallways. In the reflection presented to him, Law looked like a girl at first glance – he wore a black wig with blunt bangs, and Baby had given him a pin-up spread that looked clumsy for his face but she'd had an amazing talent with liquid eyeliner. Jora had allowed him a pink dress with a high collar and short sleeves; Baby had contributed with white tights, but Law wore a pair of black Jordans instead of the high heels Doflamingo suggested. It was more comfortable that way.

"I look _beautiful_ ," Law said grimly, glossy lips spreading into a smirk. "He will notice me and I will crush his stupid twelve and a half year old heart with just a word. He will never forget me then. He _will_ acknowledge me!"

Baby looked confused. "Erm. So…wait. You still want his attention? Or didn't you want to do this out of anonymity?"

Law froze. "I…just need him to look at me."

Baby scratched at her nose and asked, "And then what?"

Law's made-up eyes widened as he realized he hadn't thought this one through.

The door crashed open noisily, the heavy item slamming off Buffalo's shoulder and knocking him down. Baby gasped, dropping her makeup brushes while Law looked horrified, not ready to complete his task.

Sanji stood in the doorway with a grim expression until he saw the two girls looking at him. The boy at his side picked at his nose, giving everyone a confused look.

"Why was the door locked?" the kid asked, missing teeth causing a lisp in his words.

" _Ladies_!" Sanji cried, sweeping in to walk over Buffalo as he struggled to push the door off him, "I'm so _happy_ I arrived in time to save you both! This happens to be the men's room – it's a good thing you locked the door, it's for your own safety."

"Clearly, this isn't a ladies room, stupids," his friend Luffy said, laughing as he walked up to one of the urinals and unzipped.

Quickly, Sanji grabbed Law and Baby's hands, dragging them out behind him with a gasp of horror. Once they were out in the hallway, he gave them his full and undivided attention. Baby practically swooned with his actions as Law struggled to formulate words.

"I don't think we've met," Sanji said to Law, sweeping his hand up to his mouth to kiss clumsily while Law's face and neck reddened with horror. "I am Sanji Blackleg, pretty lady. You look like a high school freshmen! Do you like younger men?"

" _I do_!" Baby cried, waving her hand in the air.

"Then I am the man for you," Sanji told her, kissing her hand as well. Law frantically wiped his hand against his dress before Sanji returned his attention to "her". "I would love to know your name, age and location of home…I need to know where to send the flowers after you've endured such a horrible moment in time with the wrong bathroom and crass elementary school attitude..."

" _Romantic_!" Baby breathed, hands clasped to her chest while Law sputtered.

He cleared his throat, and forced his voice to a high octave. "Stupid! You try too hard!"

"Oh, _my lady_ ," Sanji exclaimed, hands folding over one of Law's, "but if I don't try I won't know!"

"What does that even mean? Just look at me," Law snarled, pointing at himself. Sanji looked with a bright expression, smiling goofily. "I will ruin you. I am your destiny. I am your undoing."

"You can undo me all you want, but I will definitely be _happy_ to be ruined by you," Sanji panted heavily standing on his tiptoes.

Luffy waddled out from the bathroom, followed by Buffalo. Seeing that Sanji was entertaining two ladies, he looked at the makeup bag he'd found inside one of the sinks. He rummaged through the mess to withdraw a lipstick tube, then wandered off with it, amazed at how easily it disappeared and reappeared with just a twist.

"I will _never_ give you my name," Law said with determination. "You'll only be left with the memory of me! You will _never_ forget me!"

Sanji's childishly round eyes brightened with hearts. "I cannot forget you already!"

"This is the last you'll see of me! But you'll always wonder about me!"

"Oh, at your command, my lady!"

"I'll always be the one woman that got away!"

"I will always chase after you!"

"You'll never catch me!"

"I kinda hope I don't!" Sanji cried joyously. "You can be my unreachable dream lady!"

Baby's forehead started to furrow with concern.

Law gave a victorious nod. "Then, acknowledge me."

"You are acknowledged! I love you!"

"Ah, just the words I needed to hear. Unfortunately for you, I don't love you back. I hate you."

Sanji looked crushed, dramatically clutching his chest while Baby continued to look concerned. "Oh, my beautiful damsel, your words are cruel but this moment is even crueler. I will _always_ carry this flame in my heart for you."

Satisfied, Law nodded. He then turned and marched off, Baby and Buffalo wincing at the sight of his unladylike stride. Sanji was too busy dramatically sobbing to notice this, but once he noticed "she" was gone he looked to Baby.

"Darling," he cooed, grabbing her hand, "your presence has healed me! God has sent you to me directly from above to heal my freshly wounded heart! Would you please give me the pleasure of allowing me to escort you to the cafeteria for cookies and juice?"

" _Yes_!" Baby cried, hugging him. "Oh, a thousand times yes!"

Buffalo watched the pair walk off with their hands intertwined and he looked for Law but the "girl" was already gone.

* * *

A/N: I dream in fic, and this is, unfortunately, one of them. XD


	2. Chapter 2

**-Two-**

The next Monday, Law realized that his plan had failed. Sanji looked as cheerful as ever as he blatantly ignored Law in the school drop-off zone. Law looked after him with agitation, his fangirls looking at him with confusion once they realized they'd missed something important.

"That's Sanji Blackleg," one of the girls said with a grimace. "He lives with a weird old man in the public housing apartments. He's such a little creeper."

"Always saying weird things to girls," another said.

"I think he's cute," Baby said, huffing. "He's a good example of what a man should be when they're older."

" _Gross_!" the pair exclaimed.

"A weird old man, huh?" Law murmured thoughtfully. He couldnt imagine what he looked like, but Law imagined that the old man was a Clint Eastwood type. It would explain Sanji's violent behavior. The more he thought about it, the more intimidating it felt. "Um...whats he like? The old man?"

"He has one leg!"

"A weird mustache, too!"

Law couldn't help but think of a one-legged Clint Eastwood with a Dumbledore beard. His expression reflected awe.

The two girls tittered at his shoulder, enjoying his expression. They then took off, shouting that they would see him in class. Baby dragged Buffalo after her, the bigger kid staring at a crow that cawed noisily from one of the lightpoles nearby.

"Law, first off, our plan failed because we didn't have a conclusion," she insisted once she caught up to him. "What were you supposed to accomplish?"

After a forlorn glance in the kid's direction, Law mumbled, "I just wanted him to look at me and feel rejected."

Baby gave him a confused look.

Noticing it, Law added, "I hate that kid, and I'm glad he gave me a chance to tell him so."

"You dressed up as a _girl_ and got treated like the rest of us!" Baby exclaimed as Law slammed his way into the school. Some students milling around heard that and glanced over surreptiously.

Law shushed her by pushing a palm against her mouth and looking around with agitation. "Don't say that out loud! That never happened! That was just a figment of your imagination! Doffy was talking about it so you just dreamed about it and it felt so real to you that it wasn't real at all!"

Baby looked confused but shrugged as she slapped his hand away. The trio hurried to their lockers as the hallways began to fill with students.

"I just kind of think that you're taking this too far," she said carefully. "Sometimes I don't know if you _like_ -like him, or like _love_ -like him because love and obsession can be the same thing in some cases…"

Law gave her an impatient look. "I just want him to see me as the individual I am. It seems he's the only one that doesn't acknowledge me as so."

Buffalo's eyes glittered. "He can kick things down! Like the Hulk!"

" _Oh_ ," Baby said vaguely, blinking repeatedly. "I guess I understand. But there will be some confusion because I get romance mixed up in everything."

"I know, this is why no one will take you seriously," Law said, opening his locker. He exchanged a few books then looked down the hall towards the sixth graders'. He saw Sanji laughing with his friends as they came in through another door. He growled. "There he is, my _nemesis_ …"

Baby looked at him with pity while Buffalo's eyes glittered once more.

"I'm going to go talk to him, see if he feels any bit of emotion from yesterday's encounter," Law said, slamming his locker shut and striding in that direction.

"He's a loony bin," Baby whistled low, as she and Buffalo sauntered off to their lockers.

"Hey, yo, Blackleg."

Sanji looked up to see the scowling kid bearing down on him like a hall monitor on steroids. He couldn't remember his name but he knew the girls fawned over him a lot. And that kid was rich; he came to school in different cars like it was nothing and was served like a king by some manservant at lunch.

With a slight pout to his features, Sanji muttered, " _What_."

The Scowling Kid stared down at him, using his height as an advantage. Sanji scowled back, turning from his locker to face him. The kid was trying to intimidate him, Sanji realized after several seconds of silence passed by.

"You must be feeling stupid today," Law crowed victoriously once he saw that Sanji looked appropriately intimidated by his fearsome presence. "You were played for a fool last Friday."

Sanji wasn't exactly sure what he was speaking of, so he gave the older kid a quizzical look.

"Nonetheless," Law continued with a victorious expression, "I hope you go through the rest of your life feeling stupid because you were dumped by someone you'd loved."

Sanji lit up, causing Law to react with a cringe. Pirouetting, this sixth grader's arms flailed with excited circles. "If only I knew her name but it makes sense that it's more romantic that I don't!" Sanji said with a wistful sigh, hands clasped together. "A beautiful angel without a name makes her that much more beautiful! A wistful dream, a lonely wish – she will haunt me in my dreams, but they're going to be good ones!"

" _Ugh_ ," Law muttered with disgust. "Pathetic!"

With that he turned and walked away, Sanji blinking with confusion after him. Zoro leaned over to look in the direction Sanji was.

"What's that rich kid want with you?" Zoro started to ask before Sanji shut him up with a hand to his face.

"I don't care," he said. "Boys means nothing to me. But he reminded me that I have a broken heart to mend…oh, _Nami_! Hello! _Good morning_! Vivi! _Wow_! Ahhh, Teacher Assistant _Perona_! Hello beautiful ladies! All of you are beautiful! Angels sent to me from heaven! I have been blessed!"

"He does not look heartbroken," Baby observed flatly to Law, who clenched his teeth as he watched Sanji dance after a couple of girls that grumbled in response to him. The teacher's assistant snapped her gum and looked at him with distaste. Baby nudged him with an elbow. "Now what?"

Law thought about it, then clenched his fist. "I have a plan…"

: :

The three of them watched as Sanji opened his locker after school. The note that Law had stuffed through the slots fluttered to the floor, and once Sanji caught sight of it he examined the handwriting. His expression soured before he tore the note into two and let it flutter to the floor. Law was outraged.

"What was that?" they heard Zoro ask curiously.

"Some dude issued me a challenge," Sanji answered with a huff, slamming his locker shut.

" _Was_ it a challenge?"

"I don't know, I didn't read it. I just saw that it was manly handwriting. Definitely not worth my time," Sanji answered gruffly before taking off. Zoro picked up the pieces of the note and attempted to put them together. Once he had them fitted right, he noticed that it was a challenge to meet with a girl behind the school after school. He shrugged, tossing the pieces into the trash. If the girl was determined to win the hand of his friend, then she'd just have to try again.

"Damn it!" Law muttered as Zoro wandered off, away from the exit he was supposed to take. "I forgot that I have particularly manly handwriting."

"I'll write it!" Baby offered.

The next day they tried again. Sanji lit up, hearts fluttering around him as he examined the challenge. He looked fretful as he glanced towards the back exit then towards the front.

" _Alas_ ," he cried, tucking the note into his backpack, "I have to catch the bus! Farewell beautiful admirer! Maybe in our dreams we'll meet again!"

"You're so _dumb_ ," Zoro muttered with a shake of his head as Sanji ran down the hall with dramatic sobbing. "Why do I put up with this?"

Law clenched a fist. "Drat! Foiled again!"

"Why are we meeting him afterschool?" Baby then asked curiously. "Why can't we meet him during lunch?"

Law looked stumped so she slapped her forehead with agitation, Buffalo mimicking the movement.

"Who takes the bus anyway?" Law cried with exasperation. "Why can't he have an adult pick him up, or why can't he walk back to his home?"

"If he lives in public housing," Baby said with a delicate shudder, "then that's across town! And not everyone has a man servant like us!"

"This is true," Vergo admitted above their heads, causing the three to peer up at him in response. "Most families are unwilling to be as rich as we are and therefore, won't put the effort needed into securing their children with bodyguards like us. A shame, really. Imagine the economy if we were all so very rich with each child assigned a man servant…"

"The economy would crash because the price of commodities would increase to accommodate this, and everyone would be fucked," Law said flatly.

Vergo pondered this.

" _Shit_ ," Law then muttered, pacing as Zoro passed through them on his way to the exit. "Well, I'll have to think of something else. Something to grab his attention. It's just frustrating that he doesn't pay attention to me unless…"

Inspired, his fist settled into palm. " _That's it_! That's what I have to do!"

"What?" Baby pressed as Vergo and Buffalo waited patiently.

Law exhaled deeply. "I need my costume."

: :

The next day after school, Baby stuffed her makeup brushes into her backpack as Buffalo prepared himself for the confrontation near Sanji's lockers. Law shot them a thumbs up as Sanji skipped down the hall to his locker, whistling cheerily while Zoro yawned. Some kids caught sight of Law and gave "her" questioning looks before she rounded the corner and deliberately ran into Sanji.

Sanji gaped at her while Law caught himself with a dramatic gasp.

"You! Watch where you're going!" Law snapped at him, checking to make sure his dress hadn't been disturbed by the near collusion.

" _My dream girl_!" Sanji cried joyfully. "We meet again! Here…I made this especially for you…"

He dropped to one knee, whipping out a baggie of sugar cookies that caused Law a mental stumble.

"Will you make me the happiest man alive?" Sanji asked grandly. Law blushed.

"You're too old to be a kid here," Zoro said dully, looking at Law with a skeptical expression. "Aren't you wearing too much makeup? And what's with the blush - ?"

Sanji backhanded him as he stood. "Ignore the swine! He couldn't catch the flu if he tried!"

Law couldn't even think of what to say to that. But he took the cookies that Sanji pressed into his hands carefully.

"Here, my love," the little blonde kid whispered grandly. "These are for you. I knew I'd see you again. Take them, eat them, and know that you're more beautiful because I made them for you..."

"Why the hell would I be 'more beautiful' because of some stupid cookies?" Law asked, forcing his voice to reach a higher octave.

"Because, dream lady, they were made directly with my love, therefore infusing _you_ with love, and with the _power_ of love, _you_ become even more lovelier!" Sanji answered him, nonplussed by Law's behavior. His expression brightened as Law gave him a disgusted look.

"Did you spit on them?" he asked flatly.

"If I did it was accidental," Sanji assured him, looking up with adoration. His arms shot out to wave grandly. "All because the very thought of you drives my heart into such a tailspin! Will I crash because I fell in love, or will I crash because I leapt after you? _Who knows_?"

"God, you're an _idiot_ ," Law breathed, shaking his head. He adjusted his wig hastily, glancing back at the others. They gave him a thumbs-up in support. Re-focused, he then realized that Sanji was on his feet and dashing off after Perona, who was trying to escape his notice. Startled, Law ran after him, Jordans hitting the floor with heavy clomps while his dress fluttered around his skinny thighs.

"Wait! I wasn't done talking to you!"

Sanji looked back at him as Perona quickly ducked into the teacher's lounge nearby. "I'm sorry, sweet, beautiful daydream, but I have to catch the bus – "

"I just wanted to tell you that I need you to be nicer to Trafalgar Law," Law told him, causing Sanji immense confusion. "He's…he's…the love of my life. You need to show him more respect."

" _HAHHHH_?" Sanji exclaimed, horrified. "Were you kidnapped and _forced_ to say that? I will liberate you with my own two feet if I have to! But only during the weekend! See you in my dreams, my future wife! I can see our kids already! They're just as beautiful as you!"

He dashed off while Law's mouth dropped open with disgusted horror. Zoro sidled up to him, watching his friend push through the doors and race for his bus. He looked at Law suspiciously.

"Are you a new student?" he asked, eyebrow raising. "Because I don't think random kids are allowed to talk to little kids here. You're supposed to check in with the front office and get offered a visitor's pass – "

Law shoved him into the girls' bathroom, shrill shrieks ringing out. He strode over to the others. "This was a total failure," he snapped. "He has the attention span of a gnat."

"Well, this is _your_ idea," Baby reminded him. "You're the one that wants this kid's attention."

"Why is that?" Vergo asked curiously.

Law waved a hand at them to dismiss them both, looking pensively at the floor. Baby reached out to adjust his wig. Those who remained behind were looking at him curiously, unsure of who this mysterious "girl" was. While it was plainly obvious that it had to be Law, considering his kept company, the wig and makeup was enough to throw off a casual observer.

Hands on his slim hips, he sighed heavily. "Well, this was a waste of time and makeup. Let's go, Vergo. I think we need to draw up a few more plans that accommodate this awkward scheduling. If he were a normal kid, this would've been a success a long time ago. But since he's poor, he's going to require some special attention."

"I just am a little stumped, Law," Baby admitted as they began walking towards the exit, a couple of teachers looking over with surprise. "This sort of thing shouldn't really a big deal towards someone you don't even like…"

"It's important to _me_ ," Law stressed, hand to his chest. "That's all that matters. And there's no romance here! I just want him to know I exist. He _should_ know my name, like everyone else in this school. He should be looking at me with respect, and he does none of those things. Everything I do is quite admirable but yet, _he_ continues to disrespect me."

One of Baby's eyebrows lifted with doubt.

"I just have to try harder," Law said on a tired sigh, adjusting his wig.

Baby and Vergo looked at each other and shrugged.

: :

The next day, Law and the rest of the boys in his seventh grade class was startled when Sanji burst into the locker room with a boxful of papers.

"All you shit heads, listen up!" he bellowed, causing more than one boy's face to twist with dismay. "This is from the front office. All of you are to take it home to your mommies and bring it back, signed and completed. Don't bother living if you don't complete it!"

He tossed the box in the direction of the lockers, giving a huff as he did so. "I wish this were the girls' locker room," Law heard him grumble.

He pulled on his shirt and ran after him while the PE teacher poked his head out from his office to ask what was happening.

"You, poor brat," Law snapped, Sanji turned to look at him with a disgusted scowl. "Didn't we have a talk about this? You need to respect your elders."

"...Who are you?" Sanji asked him in return, squinting.

Law sputtered, then gave a wild gesture. "I am well known in this school. My family – every single person living in this community knows who my family is. How could you not know who I am?"

Sanji absorbed his answer, then shrugged a shoulder. "You're a guy, so I don't care…"

"This is _important_ ," Law stressed. "For weeks I've been making an impression on you, on everyone here at this school and for you to pretend - !"

" _Why_?" Sanji asked curiously, blinking big, round eyes.

Law stuttered, index fingers tapping together nervously. "Er…because…you act like you don't know who I am, so…obviously I need to introduce myself."

Sanji looked at him like he had just spoken a whole new language. His eyes darted from one point of the hall to the other then returned to Law, who nervously returned his look.

" _Why_?" Sanji asked again.

"I just told you why!"

Receiving another blank stare, Law felt his lips tighten. Sanji gestured with a thumb in the opposite direction. "I'm going to go," he said, turning away from him. Law reset himself in front of the kid, blocking his path.

"Look at this face," he advised, pointing at it while Sanji looked at him skeptically, "the next time you see _this face_ you'll treat me with the respect I need."

"Are you bullying me? Is that what this is?" Sanji asked suspiciously. "I've never been bullied, before, so this is important to know for my future reference…"

Law grabbed his hands with excitement, lighting up. "You are a small, dumb kid with the brain cells of a three year old but you can carry a mature conversation with _me_ , a smart, almost fourteen year old and I just want you to know that you can talk intelligent to me if you ever find the notion to do so -!"

Sanji looked terrified as he looked from their hands to Law's excited face. Moments passed before he uttered starkly, " _Why_?"

Law threw his hands aside with exasperation. "Stop saying that! There's no reason for ' _why'_! There is only ' _okay'_! When I say something to you, when I tell you to do something, you say 'okay', and just do it. Understand? Don't question me on the things I order you to do."

Sanji gave him another suspicious look. "Is this how big kids groom little kids to do dirty, nasty things with them?"

" _NO_!" Law gasped. "This is just me trying to get you to acknowledge me!"

Sanji stared at him for a length of time before asking, " _Why_?"

"ARGH! You're so annoying! Go away, I'm done with you," Law then sighed, waving him off as he walked back to the gym. Sanji watched him go, utterly confused.

He wondered how such a beautiful lady such as the dream vision he'd encountered a couple of times could possibly lower herself to love such a bossy, confusing kid as that one. He then shrugged and skipped his way back to the office, singing the receptionist's name off-key.

* * *

Snowflake97, Naghi-Tan and Harmonica Smile - thank you for your reviews! Idk where this story ends up but my fic dream showed me a lot! :) More crazy kid antics are to follow!


	3. Chapter 3

**-Three-**

At lunch the next day, Law watched Sanji skip from one of the trash barrels to the water fountain. Irritation warmed his chest and cheeks as he paused in mid-chew of his pan seared tuna, Baby and Buffalo shoveling down their chicken Alfredo around him. Sanji was dressed in an outrageous orange plaid shirt over patchy jeans, but there was something about the off coloring that really had Law patting his own name brand clothes with reassurance.

The kid's happiness fiercely annoyed him in a way he couldn't identify – how could Sanji enjoy being so damn poor? How could he be _that_ happy? As Vergo waited patiently nearby, Law wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and hastily approached the blond kid as he set his tray onto the counter with a cheery greeting to the grouchy faced lunch lady. The lady managed a smile back, Law noticed as Sanji turned to skip back to his table. But once he saw Law, he stopped short.

"Why do you skip all the time?" Law asked with a sneer. "Don't you know how gay that is?"

Sanji stared up at him, then tilted his head with curiosity. "Who the hell are you, kid?"

Law reddened with frustration. He slapped his forehead, dragging his fingers slowly over his face before regaining control of himself. Then he fluttered his suddenly restless hands over his perfected hairstyle; the girls were always praising the style for that tousled bad boy look they liked.

"Never mind! Just -! Why are you doing that? You look like a freaking _idiot_ skipping all the time. You're _twelve_ , not five! It's not cute on a kid your age…"

Sanji tossed his hair as he straightened to his full height – which wasn't much. His crooked teeth were too large for his mouth. Law wondered if he needed braces. "You're a big kid but you're obviously a very slow one," Sanji said haughtily, causing Law to sputter. "Did you know boxers are required to jump rope as part of their training?"

Because Law had seen 'Rocky' clips on Youtube, he nodded slowly.

" _Welllllllll_ what I'm doing is basically jumping rope while walking... _right_?"

Law nodded again, brow furrowing.

Sanji sneered at him. "My old man said it's essential to my training."

"Well, your old man must hate you because you look freaking dumb doing it."

"It doesn't matter if I look dumb! I can jump high and fast, stupid. I can do this!"

Sanji leapt up and kicked out, moving too fast for Law to dodge. Impact didn't register for several seconds so Law peeked through his hands to see why the delay. Seeing that Vergo was holding Sanji aloft by the back of his shirt caused Law mortification in his own reaction. Sanji crossed his arms haughtily.

"Good thing your man servant saved you," he sniffed, "because the old man would kill me if I got into trouble again for beating up another boy."

"It's _Mr_ Vergo to you, small boy," Vergo warned low, twisting his hand to force Sanji to look at him.

"What _ever_..."

Vergo set him down on the floor, and Sanji fixed his shirt as he looked at Law with a sneer. "Maybe you should work on your chicken legs, chicken boy," he said, walking off while Law looked down at his legs with consideration. "Women like men with big, muscular legs!"

"They don't like guys that skip, either!" Law yelled after him.

"Chicken legs are in for men," Vergo assured Law stoically. "How else would you be able to fit into your girlfriend's skinny jeans?"

"What's wrong with my jeans?" Law asked with a clueless expression.

Vergo reddened as he adjusted his sunglasses. "Sorry. That might've been my own business to know."

Law rolled his eyes and walked back to the table to see that Baby was eating the rest of his lunch.

"I thought you were done, since you went to go flirt with your _boy_ friend," she sneered.

He kicked her as he took his seat, causing her to choke. "He's not my boyfriend! He's just a kid I hate!"

"Then why do you bother him all the time?"

"Because I hate him."

Baby pursed her lips. "You dressed up like a girl to bother him."

"I know his weakness and I'm exploiting it. He can't resist anything female!"

"He's so _cute_!" Baby squealed. "I can tell he's going to grow up to be a heartbreaker! It'll probably be my heart he'll break, too! _Ooh_ , I can't wait!"

Law looked at her with disgust.

At home, Baby crunched noisily on her chips while lounging on one of the couches as Buffalo and Law practiced skipping up and down the hallway. Doflamingo and Corazon were giving it their best efforts but had turned it into a competition, pushing and shoving at each other. Vergo was doing it with his arms crossed behind his back.

 _What a bunch of idiots_ , she thought with an exasperated look.

The next day, Law sought Sanji out during lunch. The kid was scraping his tray clean of his trash so when Law approached him he gave the bigger kid a surprised look.

"Ugh, you again!" he complained sourly.

"I have been practicing," Law bragged. "So I want to issue you a challenge - part of a boxer's training includes speedrope work. Out of us, who can speed rope the best?"

Sanji's eyes cruised over and beyond Law, rolled around the cafeteria with some disinterest before the subject settled in. " _Eh_? But nobody skips rope at school. That hasn't been done in, like, a _thousand_ years!"

Law reddened as he realized this was true.

"Are you dumb?" Sanji asked him cautiously. "I thought as we got older we got smarter, but it seems backwards for you."

"I'm not _dumb_ , you stupid kid! Just…some of the shit you say stumbles my brilliant brain cells into dumbing down what you just said so I can actually understand it!"

Setting the tray aside, Sanji put his hands on his hips. "Luffy and Zoro brought their hoverboards to school. Let's see who can stay on the longest."

Because he considered himself a pro himself at the contraption, Law nodded. "Fine. But no crying if you fall on the sidewalk."

Sanji smirked. "Not on the sidewalks, shithead. The _stairs_."

"You can't possibly think you can use that on the stairs!"

"I don't want to call a big kid a sissy, but I'm going to have to in a bit," Sanji said with a shrug. Because Law wasn't going to back down from this, he gave a grim scowl.

"Fine. Let's go right now!"

"Aww, but…I have ladies to talk to before next period," Sanji whined. "I won't get a chance to, later…"

"Let's do it now! Before I realize how stupid this is!"

"Ugh, _fine_ …"

That night, Law's face hadn't changed. But he was directing that attention to his broken wrist. He'd taken a spectacular fall, much to the horror of the kids watching, but Vergo had rushed him immediately to the hospital. Corazon fretted over him while Doflamingo loaded his various handguns, Vergo testing the strength of his nail studded bat.

"Where does this kid live, Vergo?" Doflamingo asked. "I just want to ask him a question…"

"It was an _accident_!" Law cried with exasperation. "Admittedly, I underestimated my own hoverboard skills and now I'm paying for it!"

"How could he make you do something so dangerous?" Corazon howled anxiously. "Who is this kid?"

"He's a sixth grader," Buffalo said helpfully. "And he lives in the poor projects! With an old man-dasuyan!"

The adults froze while Law reddened with embarrassment.

"Law," Doflamingo said sternly. "You were bested by a twelve year old poor kid?"

"I fell on my own!"

Vergo looked on grimly. "Young master, this child trains exclusively in the deadly arts of the ninja. He is fast, coordinated and has persuasive powers. Unfortunately, I've seen him kill many of his classmates on whim alone. Law has no chance against him."

"He hasn't killed anyone!" Law cried in exasperation.

"Hmm, I might've seen another slaughter take part, then," Vergo retracted. "Could've been part of the war."

"The war," the Donquixote brothers agreed, nodding their heads.

Law rolled his eyes because he wasn't sure which war Vergo was talking about. "What _ever_! The point is, no one is killing this kid but me. I have sworn vengeance, and I don't want any help."

Doflamingo sighed noisily while Corazon fretted. "But Law," he said, "clearly this small child is bullying you. Perhaps we should talk to the teachers about this. Before it turns into an episode of ' _Thirteen Reasons Why_ ' - "

"You do, and I'll stab you in your sleep!" Law looked at him with caution, then decided not to ask.

The next day at school, the girls fawned over his injury with concern and extra helpfulness. They swamped him with questions and concern, Baby and Buffalo forced out of the group by their persistence. Law was flattered over the attention because there was nothing more satisfying than seeing the envy on his classmates' faces once they saw the group of girls surrounding him. It made the injury worth it.

"Do you need help carrying your backpack?" a girl asked, tucking long hair behind her ear.

"You want to touch my Jumpman?" Law asked her coquettishly, much to the envy of the other girls that looked on.

"Your _backpack_!" she clarified with a blush.

"That's what I was saying," Law returned with a slight grin. "You may touch it if you want. You can be my first wife."

The other girls squealed and pranced for a chance to offer themselves as first wives, which caused a little jostling. Law was not prepared to see Sanji looking over with envy. Law felt smug as the kid left his friends to approach him.

"What's your name, kid?" Sanji asked him gruffly.

Law practically yelled it at him. "I'm one of the most popular kids in this school, how could you not know me?"

Sanji shrugged without apology.

"Well, you should," Law returned with an insistent gesture. "Because one day, you'll be saying it a lot."

Sanji looked puzzled. "Why would I say it a lot?"

"Because by then you'll know it well!"

"Well…that's stupid. Because I literally just now forgot it."

"I'll tattoo my name on your stupid ass!"

Sanji looked outraged. "My ass is no man's business!"

Law furrowed his forehead with confusion, unsure of why this conversation went so oddly wrong.

"Your name feels stupid on my teeth, so I'll never remember it. But from this day forward you are now my arch nemesis," Sanji declared before stomping off.

Law wore a victorious expression. "I did it," he mumbled, mainly to himself. Head held higher, he continued on to the school, the girls hanging onto his every action and word with renewed frenzy.

: :

Over the weekend, Corazon indulged him in a bit of spoiling because Law was forced to wear a cast for the next six weeks. He allowed him to get his ears pierced, and it was a big event. The group crowded Claire's for nearly an hour while he waited, and once he emerged from the shop with glittering studs in his ears, Law couldn't wait to test his heartthrob powers on the girls at school. He knew Sanji was going to be so angry because girls couldn't resist boys with pierced ears. He couldn't wait to see his reaction.

Sure enough, the girls swamped him at school. They blushed and sneaked pics – which he allowed. He posed with some of them with conditioned head tilts and angles that he knew worked well with the camera. The studs winked brightly at his earlobes while he looked for that bratty sixth grader. Sure enough, Sanji looked over because all the girls he usually greeted were crowded around Law.

Law pushed his way through them to approach him, Sanji's face darkening with a pout. Law turned his head this way and that to make sure the kid could see the diamonds twinkling in the morning sun.

"I am officially _irresistible_ ," Law bragged. "I can't keep the girls off me. I have more Instagram requests today than I did the beginning of the year. What did _you_ do this weekend?"

"Helped the old man work in the soup kitchen," Sanji muttered sullenly, reaching up to feel his own ear lobes. Then he furrowed his brow while Zoro yawned noisily next to him, his eyes still closed and his green hair mussed. "Did you know? Guys who wear earrings are vain?"

"Guess it helps. I am _swimming_ in girls and you…you're working the soup kitchens on the weekend. Who wins in this situation?"

Sanji scowled, then thought about it. "Girls are life," he decided, "but when they're tired of fuckboys they're going to swamp the good men who don't pierce their ears to look pretty. This is fact."

" _No it's not_!"

"I'd rather be some girl's King than some girl's reason to say 'men are trash'," Sanji decided, cheering up. With a content hum Sanji walked off, calling out merrily to the teachers that responded to him warmly.

Law frowned after him, reaching up to do one of the many twistings he had to do to his new earrings.

Zoro looked at him, lifting heavy eyelids to do so. "Is this a popularity competition?"

"This is a Not Your Business competition. Go grow on some north side of the rocks!"

"Because I think it's weird that some big kid picks out a little kid's judgment. That's all." Zoro yawned again before wandering off to the parking lot, causing Law to frown after him.

 _It's true_ , he thought later in class, a little bewildered. _Why the fuck am I making such a big deal out of all these little things? Baby was right – I even dressed up as a_ girl _to get his damn attention!_

He gave the whiteboard a frustrated look. _It was just annoying that he never gave me the attention I deserved. He ignores me and pretends I'm not there. He doesn't even know my damn name!_ Everyone _knows my name! Why doesn't he?_

 _But wait_ …

He glanced around his classroom, taking in the sight of the other boys leaning over their tables to complete their work. _Why don't I want their attention? I don't care about them_ …

 _I don't care about_ him _, either_! he then thought with a frown. _But it matters that he give me the attention I demand._

 _But doesn't that sound weird_?

He rolled his eyes up to the ceiling, taking in the sight of some cobwebs. The sight of a jumping spider making its way to a nearby wall caused him to light up. He rummaged through his backpack with one hand before a girl sitting nearby offered to help him.

"I need that thing," he said, pointing at the spider. The girl gave him a confused look, but she found his pencil case. "My uncle collects them."

After she caught the spider and gave him the pencil case, Law looked down at the spider with a successful grin. It curled up at the bottom corner with a flinch. He zipped it up and set it to the corner of his table space as the girl fixed his backpack and shyly asked him for his help on the packet they were working on.

"Tell me, what do you think of my pencil case?" he asked her instead. She blushed at the attention. "It's Coach, by the way. I have a good friend who is too poor to afford a birthday gift to someone else, and because I'm a good friend, I'm going to give it to him to give to her. That way, she'll fall in love with him and he can be happy."

 _I'm going to give this to_ him _,_ he thought with an evil expression. _And he's going to give it to a girl, and she's going to hate him forever because of it! 'Men are trash', huh? Well, he's going to feel like trash after what he does to some idiot girl!_

"You'll take the spider out, first, right?" she asked skeptically.

"Oh, of course! I'm going to put this in a gift bag, first."

"You're _such_ a good friend," she said on a wistful sigh. "I wish I had a friend like you."

"Get a boob job," he told her.

She gave him an insulted look before he added smoothly, "You'd look great being my first wife, so it's important you look the part. Make all the other women jealous. I'll even pay for them when you're legal."

"You're so _bad_!" she squealed in delight.

Law found the blond kid after his PE class, running some errands for the school receptionist. He had an armful of textbooks that left his face red with strain, and what looked like flowers from outside on top. He hurried over to him, moving carefully so that he wouldn't cause his new Jordans creases.

"Hey, kid," he greeted, holding up the pencil case. Sanji looked up at him, sweating under the weight of his load. "Let me make up this morning's misunderstandings to you."

He placed it atop of Sanji's load, the sixth grader almost buckling at that point. Crossing his arms, Law smirked. "You can give this pencil case to a girl you like. It's practically brand new, and still smells of a dead cow. Every girl knows what it is. Maybe they can put their tampons into it."

"Oh…huh…well," Sanji grunted, clearly struggling. Unable to resist, Law patted the bag lightly, not wanting to smush the spider inside but wanting to torture him. "Ugh, _stop_! You bastard! Leave me alone! I'll find you to kick your ass later! I'm in no way thanking you, either! If you wanna give me your trash, I will find it a good home!"

With that he shakily continued on, Law watching him with evil satisfaction.

By the time Sanji made it back to class, he had to hastily throw his stuff together into his backpack while Zoro and Nami waited. Class was being released to their next period, and he hadn't a chance to inspect what Law had given him.

"What is this, Sanji?" Nami asked curiously, taking the bag he'd set atop of his desk.

"I don't actually know," Sanji answered, throwing on his backpack. He took it from her carefully, unsure of what 'Coach' meant. It looked like a gaudy object, something ladies used to fill their purses with. He wondered what 'tampons' were. "That one weird kid gave it to me."

"That big kid that keeps bullying you?" Zoro asked skeptically.

"Yeah, that one! I've never been bullied before, so I'm taking it as learning experience."

Zoro looked at him with approval. "Ooh, good one…it'll make you tough."

"It's really expensive," Nami stressed. "It's a Coach bag."

"Do you like it? You can have it, beautiful!"

"I don't like that style, but I'm telling you, you can get some good cash with that! Probably eight hundred bucks!" Nami fluttered her eyelashes. "Maybe you can get me something else with it!"

Sanji's eyes widened. He unzipped it as they began walking out into the halls. Prying it open, something small and light leapt onto his hand, and he froze in mid-step once the spider stretched out its front legs and lithely took to examining its surroundings.

" _Ew_!" Nami cried. "A jumping spider!"

Zoro's eyes widened as they locked on Sanji. Sanji had lost several colors, eyes rounding to the size of dinner plates.

The jumping spider began crawling up his arm with short darts, and Sanji imagined he could see every eye it possessed. He sucked in air as kids passed around them noisily. Every one of his limbs were locked in pure fear – the spider stopped darting to walk slowly up the sleeve of his shirt, and this time, Sanji jolted violently.

He shrieked at the top of his lungs, drawing attention his way. The spider leapt to safety, but he didn't see it. Nami and Zoro clamped their hands over their ears as everyone silenced with startled expressions their way. He slammed into some students, causing upset. Rolling around on the floor, Sanji flailed uselessly in an effort to kill the thing he imagined was still crawling on him. He ripped off his shirt and ran down the hall, slapping at himself.

The display caused kids to laugh uproariously, teachers trying to direct traffic and refocus attention elsewhere. The spectacle had caused the older kids to venture over to see what was happening, which included Law, Baby and Buffalo.

Smirking as Law thought that Sanji had given a girl the spider pouch, he chuckled.

"Let's see what the girls think of you now," he muttered to himself, Baby looking at him curiously.

"That was one scared girl, huh, Law?" Buffalo commented, looking bewildered.

"What'd you do?" Baby accused the boy as they headed to their next class.

"Oh, nothing," Law said blithely.

: :

The next morning, after they'd left Vergo's matte black Escalade, Law had just called out to his fangirls that were waiting for him near the curb when something heavy and immense slammed into him from the side. He ended up denting the back passenger side of Vergo's vehicle, tires screeching slightly as Vergo slammed on the brakes. Dazed, Law looked up to see Sanji standing there, steam rising from him ( _steam? or smoke? Law would have to decide for later_ ). The kid's face, neck and arms were bright red, as if he were suffering from a whole body blush but his face was pure fury for something of his size.

"You shithead," Sanji snarled, causing an uproar in the students that were watching. "I will break another one of your goddamn limbs for what you did!"

Law gaped up at him, rising to his feet with a shaky stumble. His lungs felt like they'd collapsed. Vergo came to inspect the scene and saw that Law was recovering from a blow. He reached into his jacket pocket when Baby and Buffalo interrupted him with hands towards his face.

"Don't worry about it," Baby told him crossly. "Law pissed off the little kid and is going to make him pay."

"An attack on one member of the family is an attack on all of the family," Vergo said grimly, hand still within his jacket.

"Let Law recover his own dignity," Baby snapped at him.

"This is Law's fight now, dasuyan," Buffalo added grimly.

Law rolled his eyes, hitching up his backpack. "So the girl got scared of a little spider, _so what_? Didn't you at least try to rescue her – like a real man would?"

Sanji stared up at him, jaw jutting out stubbornly. Law watched him cautiously until the kid suddenly disappeared but Vergo took the next blow. The man stood in front of him stoically when Sanji's foot bounced off his chest, and he crumbled to the pavement – much to the awed horror of those watching.

Sanji looked at Vergo, estimated the man's strength, and decided it wasn't a battle he could win. So he looked up at Law, the older kid looking smug as he watched him safely from behind the big man.

But to his horror, the kid's round eyes glittered with tears, lower lip trembling. Law reacted with shock, mouth dropping open. Sanji hastily picked himself up, dashing his tears away with his arm.

"You're a dick, Trafalallalala!" Sanji shouted him, racing off to protect his dignity while Law watched after him.

Then he realized what he said. "That's not my name! Hey! Kid! Come back here!"

Vergo stopped him from giving chase. "I think it's important to remain back and think about your actions," he said grimly. "Whatever you did…Doflamingo will be proud of you for sticking up to that bully child. It is retribution well paid for your broken wrist."

Law nodded in agreement, looking at his bright yellow cast. But his expression dropped a bit as he looked in the direction Sanji had raced off to. The feeling settling in his stomach…was it guilt? Or deadly organ failure caused as a result of the impact caused by Sanji's kick?

Law did hear the story of some sixth grader reacting dramatically to a spider yesterday, but the gossip was riddled with disdain in that it was a _boy_ causing the ruckus. Law wondered if the spider had actually been a poisonous spider; he wondered if Doflamingo had enough in legal fees in the event that he was sued for bodily harm.

Then he thought of the way Sanji had looked at him and felt that crippling stomach pain again. So he went to the nurse's office and made his complaints.

Later that day, Corazon was driving him home while Law slumped in the seat, sighing every little while.

"I'm taking you to the hospital, Law," Corazon said with determination. "That kid must've ruptured every one of your inner organs."

"Cora," Law said tentatively, rubbing his stomach, "I don't think I'm hurt that bad. But…how much does Doflamingo have to pay for a lawyer? What if he sues me for having him bit by a poisonous spider?"

"A jumping spider isn't poisonous, Law," Corazon assured him.

"But _what if_? He looked at me with a _crying_ face," Law insisted. "He looked at me and I felt like…we should arm ourselves."

" _Who is this kid torturing you_?" Corazon cried.

"He's this little kid! He's not that big of a threat -!"

"Then why are you coming home like this? He _dented_ Vergo's Escalade! By the way, when we get home, ignore Doflamingo's punishing tactics from the living room. I swear, we need to modernize ourselves," Corazon then muttered with some embarrassment.

"I just feel like there was so much promise in those eyes. They were really big, like a puppy's," Law said with a sigh, leaning against the window. Corazon furrowed his brow with confusion. "I felt like…I made a big mistake. I broke the final straw."

"You think he'll kill you this time?" Corazon cried in panic, swerving into another lane as he looked with his whole body at the boy. Law cringed in his seat, holding onto his seatbelt with both hands and squeezing his eyes shut as Corazon hastily corrected himself.

"I feel like…maybe I shouldn't have done that…? That…I could have possibly…hurt him," Law said slowly, trying to figure out this exact pain. His stomach ached suddenly, as well as his chest. He gripped it with one hand. "He _cried_ , Cora. He cried and I felt funny. I just feel like it's a premonition."

"We are the strongest family in this town, Law," Corazon assured him grandly. "No harm will come to us. We will go to him!"

"No…it's not that type of pain. I just…every time I close my eyes, I just see him _crying_ ," Law swore. "I see him crying and I regret what I did, but not in the way that I fear revenge…but in a different way."

Corazon looked puzzled. "Maybe you're psychic and predicting the future, Law."

Law found this suitable. Having powers was cool. "Hmm…maybe…"

"Should we transfer you to another school?"

"Hell no! If I have to face the impending consequences, I will do so like a damn man! I'm not running from this!"

"Thatta boy!"

Law then sighed again, directing his attention out the window. "Should I apologize just in case?"

"We don't make apologies, Law, just amendments."

Law furrowed his brow with confusion, sure that was the same thing. "Maybe I should," he said. "Just in case because what if this feeling I'm having is a premonition in that he came from a stronger family, and we had to learn a harsh lesson in humility because of it… It'd hang on us for days! I should just apologize, I don't care what you guys say…"

"But there's nothing to apologize for."

"Yeah, but…with that sort of terror, I bet it was a baby black widow spider. I bet they can't afford hospital visits, so he tried to kill me. _But_ ," Law finished before Corazon could say anything, "I think I'll just do my own thing and fix it since I caused it."

"So…no hospital…?"

"I feel better. Let's stop for some ice cream," Law chirped, spotting a soft serve in the nearby strip mall.

The next day, Law sought the kid out. But Sanji had been suspended for fighting with another student, and those stomach pains returned with a vengeance. So Law found himself moping at home after school, thinking that only he could step between the kid's revenge and the safety of his family. This horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach could only suggest that he had to prepare for the very worst, and since he caused it, he had to stand in front of it.

Law imagined that Sanji would return to school with a bunch of old men, armed to the teeth with guns. He also imagined Sanji stabbing him in the back with a shiv while he used the urinal. He imagined the kid lucking out with a head kick or ripping out his new earrings out in a slow torture scene. He imagined being kidnapped and sold to a family that went to Walmart regularly. He imagined Sanji finding the spider, squishing it and somehow hiding it in his food. The girl-happy little blond kid turned into a monstrous devil in Law's nightmares, cackling with that faint lisp he had and skipping his back into Hell with Law in his grasp.

All these scenarios gave Sanji a monstrous light, but he kept telling himself not to be afraid of a damn twelve ( _and a half_!) year old. So when he went to school on Monday morning, girls fawning over him with flirtatious greetings, he immediately scouted the campus for any sign of that kid. He spotted Sanji walking cheerily, calling out to all the girls around him and hastily helping out a teacher as she fumbled with her cellphone and coffee.

He looked nothing like the way Law had been dreaming about him. Just a happy-go-lucky kid that wore a bright pink button up shirt over blue shorts and old Converses that were untied. Law veered in that direction, wearing a determined look. He blocked the kid's path, Sanji looking up at him with a slow moving frown that settled into a scowl.

Before Law could say anything, Sanji sighed dramatically and said with a cross expression, "I'm sorry for intimidating you. I guess I _am_ pretty scary for a sixth grader, and the old man said I _must_ pull in my power. Also…"

He took his backpack off while Law looked at him with annoyance, unable to process that _he_ was being apologized to after all this week's torture. Sanji withdrew a container from his backpack. He begrudgingly held it out for Law to take.

Taking it, Law opened it to see that it was a bunch of frosted cupcakes and cookies with apologies written on them. They were sloppily made, with too much frosting that had smeared upon the inside of the lid.

"The old man made me do it as punishment," Sanji grumbled, throwing his backpack on. "So…I'm sorry for making your life shitty."

Law sputtered, closing the container. Buffalo snatched it from his hands, sharing with Baby before he even had a chance to partake.

"You can't apologize to me!" Law snapped at the boy, who looked up at him defiantly. " _I'm_ supposed to apologize to you, dick head!"

"No, _I_ have to!" Sanji insisted.

"I was the one that thought of this plan! I made the mistake!"

"I have to do this, so accept my apology!"

" _No_! You don't get to apologize to me so grandly! _I'm_ the one that has to, and _I_ will do so," Law snapped at him. "I'm sorry for making you cry!"

Sanji reddened, looking around to see if anyone had heard that. Then he scowled up at the boy, hissing, " _I didn't cry_!"

"You did! And I'm sorry! I didn't think you were afraid of spiders."

"Well, I'm sorry for ruining your face! And wrist…and reputation," Sanji added slowly, Law blinking with obliviousness. Sanji's feet shuffled nervously. "I accidently told people that you were afraid of me as your arch nemesis and you only did this to get back at me for taking all your girlfriends."

Law's face fell flat because he was sure his reputation was fine. The attention he got commonly told him so.

"You are so _dumb_ ," he said on a sigh. "I can't take you seriously as my arch nemesis."

"But I'm a good opponent! I'm Hulk to your Loki."

Law gasped with outrage. "I am _not_ Loki."

"You are. You're squirrelly and back stabbing and you try too hard to be the best character and takes too much screen time," Sanji insisted while Law's face reddened with insult. "You're a…a…Mary Sue?"

" _I am not_ -!"

"I don't know what that is," Sanji confessed, "but that's what one of the cooks said."

Law reddened with fury. Sanji waited for a response. When he didn't get one, he glanced up and around Law before resettling on him. Sputtering words, Law struggled to formulate a sentence. Ever the picture of patience, Sanji then began flossing, which caused Law to freeze up.

"Are you done?" Sanji asked, arms swinging to a stop.

"You…were you just… _flossing_?"

"Yeah." After some consideration, he asked sullenly, "Do you want to floss with me? The old man told me I have to be nicer to boys…"

He then leaned in to whisper, "You don't have to floss with me. It's kinda embarrassing if two guys are doing it facing each other."

All the insults built on Law's tongue, but none of them left him properly because he was too outraged to release them individually. Unable to understand this new language, Sanji's attention span drifted away again.

Exhaling, Sanji then said, "Well, I did what that old man said! Time to move on!"

He fluttered away while calling out to a teacher, shoe laces flapping while Law fumed, fists curled at his sides.

"That… _brat_ ….!" he snarled. "Flossing in front of me like - ! _Ugh_! Repugnant! _Stupid_! Dumb ass forever virgin!"

At home, Baby watched with amusement as Diamante taught Law how to floss. The kid kept mixing up his hip movements, growing so enraged that he gave up the dance altogether. Doflamingo and Corazon were attempting to join in, but Corazon hurt his hip (somehow) and Doflamingo kept turning his arm movements into jazz hands. Buffalo was twirling around in circles around them, collapsing out of dizziness moments later.

"What a bunch of _buffoons_ ," she scoffed, stuffing her mouth with chips.

* * *

 **A/N:** I've seen little kids floss randomly – extra points to the eye contact. The level of confidence is amazing XD XD

 **Naghi-Tan** : He's very childish and happy and smol! My dream had a few key points that I delivered here in these chapters but I notice little kids doing all sorts of strange stuff that I want to write about lol so who knows how long this story will continue for?

 **Harmonica Smile** : Just a smol kid in a smol town doing smol things lmao

 **gee** : that's a great idea! Hmm, I'll keep that in mind…

 **12tailedninja-demon** : *uses Ouija board to communicate* *too scared to* *abandons board*

 **Guest** : lol! gives me whiplash thinking about it!

 **Greeny** : He has no idea he's crushing and probably won't until he's older – when it's too late lol But Baby and Buffalo will never let him forget it! Sanji's home life will be looked into, soon as I find an actual plot for this story lol

 **Snowflake97** : I hope it continues to be fun to read because it's fun to write XD


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Hi. Thank you for your patience and your comments! hopefully this continues to fit the mood - its been sitting in my email for awhile D:

 **\- Four -**

Marching up the walkway to the school with a yawning Zoro at one side and a half asleep Luffy on the other, Sanji caught sight of that bossy boy emerging from a gleaming, souped up baby blue Ford that rumbled noisily in the parking lot. He gave a scowl, grabbing Luffy by the wrist to stop him from walking into the flag pole and ignored Zoro taking the turn straight towards the room utilities room near the main school entrance way.

"Ugh," Sanji muttered bitterly, spitting to the side. But Zeff's voice was clear in his head – " _Be nice to that boy, OR ELSE, you shitty kid_!"

While Sanji wanted to know what his options were if he chose "OR ELSE", he didn't want to lose another day being suspended; that meant losing a day not seeing his precious ladies. What would they do without him? How would their security and confidence hold up without him being there to remind them they were beautiful? He inhaled deeply to calm his rising irritation, hand against his forehead with dramatic effort. Luffy sleepily munched on his hand in response to having his wrist held. Sanji shook off his sharp teeth and waited for the spoiled boy and his friends to approach the stairway.

With a bitter expression, Sanji muttered sullenly, "Good morning."

"Good morning, Sanji!" Baby greeted back, causing him to instantly change his mood.

" _Hi_ , beautiful! My, you are _glowing_ , today!" Sanji returned, flitting around her while the two boys wore annoyed expressions. He took her hands, Baby blushing at the attention. Dropping to one knee, Sanji said, "Is it because you've chosen to bless us with your radiance that you appear more beautiful to me than ever, or is it because you were waiting for me to escort you to your locker?"

"Ah, I can't decide," Baby answered with a shy duck of her head.

"And where's _our_ greeting?" Law demanded, Buffalo nodding in agreement. "We're obviously standing right here."

Sanji looked flatly at him then lifted to his feet, reluctantly letting go of Baby's hands. With a dramatic heave of breath and slouching shoulders, he groaned out, " **Good morning**."

"What really sucks about my efforts," Sanji then went on, adjusting his backpack as he gave Law and Buffalo a dirty look, "is that it ain't appreciated around here. Why do I gotta acknowledge _boys_? Are you lacking in attention at home?"

Law was rudely astounded by this kid's rather astute speech and attentiveness to detail. But he huffed, "Aren't you supposed to be nice to me? Because one of these days, your bullying will completely cause me a meltdown. I might have to be committed."

Buffalo crossed his arms and bobbed his head with agreement once more.

"So _weird_ that an older boy demands that I, a simple boy, be nice to him," Sanji scoffed. "You're so delicate. You're the type of kid that demands a woman take care of him, instead of the other way around."

"I can take care of myself!" Law hissed at him.

"If I were a weaker boy, I'd cry right now and get the teacher's attention! But I'm not," Sanji added with a finger up, shaking it towards the older boy's face, "because I'm a _man_ that handles the trouble head on! In order to make this miserable world better for the ladies, I will take on any task that might cause them any discomfort! I am their knight, their only protection against the worst of the worst!"

Law rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his Versace shirt chest. Baby was beaming with delight and hope, hands clasped together while Buffalo looked confused.

"So, with that stupidity in mind, if Baby here gets a stomach ache, how are you going to handle that?"

"With ginger ale, gentle tummy rubs and extra soft toilet paper," Sanji told Baby, batting his eyes at her. "And maybe a light, vegetable soup with crackers, handfed from my clean, sanitized hands."

"Oh, _my prince_!" Baby gasped.

" _Barf_ ," Law muttered, gagging.

"You should be taking lessons from me, kid!" Sanji then declared as Luffy reappeared moments later, sleepily looking for this vegetable soup with crackers. His small hands roved over Sanji's backpack and pockets while Sanji remained stern. "If you had _half_ my grace, you'd have a real girlfriend by now!"

"I don't want one."

Sanji gasped in shock. "But my dream lady has declared her love for you."

"OH for shit's sake - !" Law cut himself off with impatience as Luffy started gnawing at Sanji's shirt, asking for soup. Sanji impatiently wiggled out of his friend's grasp, Zoro emerging from the bushes with a surprised look around him.

"Are you _betraying_ her, kid?" Sanji then asked Law with a threatening gesture, leaning in close. "Are you not as in love with her as she is with you?"

"I mean, there is _some_ affection," Law said tentatively, leaning away from him cautiously.

Baby and Buffalo snickered behind their hands.

"I think he's just playing her," Baby spoke up with a devious look.

"I heard Law say he can find better-daysuan," Buffalo chirped, happy to be included in the joke.

Gasping once more, hand to his chest, Sanji reeled back from them dramatically while Law shot the pair dirty looks. Resolutely, with Luffy gnawing on his arm once more, Sanji shook his fist. "I will free her from your disloyal clutches, and show her what a real man is made of!"

Law rolled his eyes. "Well, you aren't going to see her again, that's for sure."

"I will find her!" Sanji vowed, pulling on Luffy as the bell rang. "I will find her and free her! Until we meet again, kid, I vow a bite of karma on your rude face!"

"None of that makes any sense," Law muttered, joining the rushing wave of kids into the school. He looked at the pair that were giggling behind his back. "Why am I wasting so much of my precious time on that idiot?"

"We still never heard the right answer," Baby said impatiently. "All this _blah blah blah_ I want him to know my name business, and _nothing_. You're obsessed with this little kid, and it's gross."

" _So_ gross," Vergo added, startling them with his quiet presence behind them. So startled was he by their reaction that he looked over his shoulder for any threat he hadn't detected.

"What are you doing here, Vergo?" Law demanded.

"Your guardian asked that I attend all your classes with you, today. Wearing _this_ ," he added, touching a body cam attached to the lapel of his coat. He then stood gravely, arms behind his back. "We are going to collect evidence of this wretched child's bullying and hand it over to the proper authorities. We believe it is causing you mental stress and unnecessary tension to your wellbeing, and it will stop short any lingering damage that this child has caused you. The authorities will then take seriously this matter and raid this school to viciously remove the point of these dirty attacks. It will be a similar matter like that of which happened to us in the late 1990's, when the economy was crashing – "

"None of us were even _born_ , how would we know that type of history?" Baby exclaimed, tossing her hair behind her. "Anyway, we're going to class."

"This is madness! Tell Doffy this is unnecessary!" Law exclaimed, reddening.

"I already have the badge and permission slip," Vergo said, flashing both before stuffing it back into his coat pockets. "I'm sorry, Law, but this is my duty. I will be as unnoticeable as possible. You won't even see me, I assure you."

Law gave him a skeptic look, but who was he to undermine Doflamingo's authority? With a shrug, he continued on to his locker.

Throughout the entire day, Vergo remained in the front of the class like a stature, his stiff visage intimidating other students and causing teachers to stammer nervously. Seething with anger, Law managed to get through the morning without much of a reaction to the man servant's duties. But at lunch time, while being served fragrant meatballs over golden noodles, he noticed Sanji looking in his direction. He made the indication that he was watching Law, which caused Vergo to momentarily dip his hand into his coat.

"Stand down, Vergo," Law warned him. "I can't lose any face or standing in front of this kid. He thinks I'm weak."

"Is he unaware of your superb martial arts skills? Perhaps he requires a demonstration," Vergo returned stiffly, his hand lingering at his coat.

Baby rolled her eyes. "Law is about as 'superb' at martial arts as I am with my algebra."

Law growled at her, then looked back at Sanji with warning. "I'll not let a damn kid intimidate me and ruin my reputation. I will just have to get back at him once more."

"But in the process," Baby said slowly, "you'll give yourself a stomach ache. You're so sensitive."

"I am NOT."

"Corazon has assured me that this is a possibility," Vergo mentioned, as light as possible. "So I came prepared with Tums and a carton of soft serve ice cream located in a secure cooler in the vehicle outside."

"Ooh, ice cream!" Baby cried cheerily. "I want some!"

"I am sorry, this isn't for you, Baby. This is for Law only."

"That's so unfair…he's so damned _spoiled_. Mr Cora babies him too much."

Law huffed as Baby glared at him accusingly, Buffalo looking crestfallen. "Well, it's not a surprise that I am a sensitive boy. Maybe it's that aspect that has me reacting so unreasonably to these things. But I have to think positively about this – this kid is my first arch nemesis, and it's preparing me for bigger things in my future. I just have to overcome this, and defeat him as majestically as possible to keep my ego rounded."

"That's a good way of thinking, Law," Vergo said with stiff approval. "I, too, will keep this in mind as well. It could prepare me for my future as well. I happen to lose track of myself in this day to day life – too lost in the memories of the chaos of the nineties, where I grew up. Those were such tumultuous times…everyone was lost in battle. Thos JNCO jeans, I suspect. Hinders the movements. Thus, why I prefer loose fitting trousers to this day…"

The trio gave him impatient looks. But Law glared over at Sanji, and made a similar indication that he was watching him as well.

At the table, Zoro leaned into Sanji's shoulder to whisper, "Why is that boy watching you so close?"

"He's taking lessons, scumbag," Sanji retorted, digging into his fruit cup. "He needs lessons on how to be a real man, since he obviously lacks compassion and empathy for the ladies."

Zoro wore a confused expression, but he shrugged. "This is a type of battle that I don't need to watch. It's clearly…stupid."

Sanji gave him an impatient look, flicking his hair from his face. "You do that, moss. You're only good for one thing."

"What's that?"

"Making me look better than you. You're the dumb ass, and I'm the gentleman."

"HAH, I only let you think that because I pity you." But Zoro gave him a suspicious look from the corner of his eye, then looked back at the table that was being served by a stiff man servant wearing an apron. There was something about that bossy kid that jolted his memory – something…familiar and yet weird. He could've sworn he'd seen this boy somewhere, but he wore a different outfit. And had different hair. Rubbing his chin, Zoro struggled to remember _where_ …

: :

He remembered in gym class, snapping his fingers together as red dodgeballs colored the air, screams and cries ringing out. Sanji was ducking and dodging around him, clearly targeting all the boys on the other side with vicious shouts and a weak arm. Zoro was tired of making fun of him – it was just too easy.

"Y'know," he said, turning to face Sanji as balls blew past him. "That kid is playing a joke on you."

Panting, Sanji spared him a glance and flung a ball as hard as he could in the other direction – but the ball didn't go very far, and it was scooped up by another boy that flung it towards a kid that took it hard to the face.

"I'm busy, here!" Sanji snapped at him.

"Did you know that weirdo kid was dressing up like a girl that time?" Zoro asked him, brown hands on his hips. He tutted. "And you fell for it like a moron."

Sanji glanced at him again, crouching low with hands over his head as various balls were flung in his direction. "That's so stupid – what girl?"

"That one wearing Jordans with her dress. With the hair. The weird hair that went to here," Zoro demonstrated with fingers at his forehead and shoulders. Sanji stared at him with a puzzled expression, then snapped his own fingers with remembrance.

" _My_ _dream girl_!" he cried, jumping in place with joy and then twirling with delight – effectively, _somehow_ , missed by the red dodgeballs being flung in his direction. Zoro ended up ducking and dodging artfully with alarm, snagging a ball in mid-air to throw back. "Oh, how I _love_ her! I will fight arm, tooth and nail for her heart!"

"That's what I'm _saying_ , dummy," Zoro stressed as Sanji fluttered about, sprouting poems that didn't make sense. "That's NOT a girl! That's _that guy_!"

Sanji snapped to attention, staring at him. "No it wasn't. She was clearly an older woman. Who doesn't go here."

"How _dumb_ are you?" Zoro cried with exasperation. "She pops up with those guys with her. That weird girl and that bigger weird guy and their man servant. That pretend girl talks like that bossy kid, and he's obviously wearing a wig."

Sanji jumped on him, snagging a ball in mid-throw. "TAKE THAT BACK."

"No, what are you doing? Get off me!"

"I will kick your ass for sullying my dream girl's name!"

"You don't even _know_ her name!" Zoro cried with exasperation, losing his footing. Sanji sat atop of him and hit him repeatedly with the ball, much to the opposite team's confusion. The PE teacher blew sharply on his whistle. "That girl is a _guy_! It's _that_ guy! You don't believe me? Call him out and ask! Ow! _Stop_!"

Thrusting the ball away, Sanji straightened up from him, wearing a bewildered expression. His memories were muddled, though. All he could see was a beautiful, glowing, misguided princess who had yet to be treated right by a proper gentleman. He was definitely not seeing the memory as Zoro was telling it. His head jerked as a ball bounced off his head.

But he went in search of this boy, and found him fixing his hair in the lockerroom during the older kids' PE session in the gym, and Sanji made his presence known by kicking the lockers nearby, causing an intense bang that Vergo reacted to with a whip of his hand into his coat and several boys' bewildered staring in his direction. Law noticed him in the mirror, hands paused atop of his wet hair.

Sanji stared at his reflection, trying in vain to see his Dream Girl as he remembered her – but it was difficult when this was clearly a boy. Vergo tensed nearby, and Sanji dismissed the man servant as he marched up to the kid standing at the sink.

Suspiciously, with his hands on his hips, Sanji leaned in to ask, "You got something to say to me, kid? I've heard weird rumors that you've been tricking me."

Law turned to stare at him with confusion. "What weird rumors?"

"I heard you've been tricking me. So I'm asking you now…is. This. True?"

"WHAT RUMORS? And who the hell are you, kid, to break stuff like that? You're starved for attention. _And_ ," he added, now that he had the audience. He impatiently waved at Vergo to stand down, but the man kept his hand rested on his jacket lapel – pointing his bodycam at the confrontation. "I noticed you didn't address me by my name."

"I don't care for your name, I didn't even bother to remember it," Sanji told him impatiently. "But this rumor involves a beautiful woman."

"Be specific. I have many beautiful women as backup wives," Law told him, feeling satisfied by the kid's furious facial expression. "You don't understand, kid. I have the money and the background to give them their first boob jobs. What do _you_ have to offer?"

"My heart," Sanji returned with confusion. "Why do you offer that sort of thing to kids? Are you one of those weird predators I keep hearing my old man warn me about?"

Law reddened. "Stop saying stuff like that!"

"I only ask cuz you're making such a big deal out of me, and not only are you bullying me, but you clearly see me as your arch rival," Sanji stated, hands on his hips. "As I am a strong, dedicated man, I can't back down from you. My only weapon is confronting you head on."

" _Ugh_ , you're so _annoying_!"

"Back to this lady!" Sanji barked at him. "What is her name?"

"What is _who's_ name?"

"My dream girl! Her name!"

"I don't want to tell you her name," Law said stubbornly, crossing his arms over his chest. "Because you aren't big enough to know it."

Sanji stared up at him in silence, then grew smug. He crossed his arms with confidence, and Law felt his expression tense, awareness drawing up around him with slowly wilting insecurity.

"You're intimidated by me," Sanji stated smugly. Law glowered at him. "You are scared I will win her heart over, and this is why you won't tell me."

"I AM _NOT_!"

"I know fear when I see it, kid," Sanji said, grinning brightly. "I guess that's all I needed to see, today."

"Vergo, this kid is bothering me," Law said with an impatient sigh, Vergo nodding in response.

The door slammed open again, causing the other boys to jolt noticeably near their lockers. Zoro entered the room, grinning with determination.

"I figured it out," he announced grandly, much to Sanji's irritation and Law's drawing confusion. Smugly, he crossed his arms as he stood within the doorway. "Trafalgar, _you're_ the mystery girl."

All heads whipped from one kid to the other as Law gave Zoro a startled look. Vergo's hand whipped to his pocket, and he withdrew a smoke bomb. In moments, the locker room exploded with thick smoke, causing more than one kid to start hacking. Vergo dashed out from the room with Law tucked under one arm, Sanji and Zoro coughing noisily as one kid pulled on the fire alarm.

As the locker room was evacuated, kids cheering and shouting noisily from emptying classrooms, Zoro shook Sanji's arm.

"Told…you…so," he said victoriously, hacking and wheezing.

"That…told…me… _nothing_ ," Sanji wheezed, wiping his red eyes. "That kid…just…got…scared!"

"His…man…servant…jumped the gun," Zoro added, heels of his palms pressed against his eyes. "Gave it all away."

"You…just…ruined…a manly confrontation! Made me look bad!"

"Nah. Watch. Just watch. I'm saving you, dummy, be grateful!"

"What's in it for you?"

"An I Told You So."

"Agh, I _hate_ you!"

"I hate you, too, but I love to see you ruined."

"Ugh, you're _gross_. Your man crush on me is _gross_."

"I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU!"


	5. Chapter 5

**Naghi-Tan: its been awhile! :D**

 **-Five –**

"It's no good, Doffy," Corazon said with a hard sigh, returning to the living room. The atmosphere was grim, all the family members gathered around the pristine white couch where Doflamingo sat with a pensive expression. It almost felt like some sort of funeral pageant. Vergo was sitting on his knees nearby, head hanging with shame. Baby crunched noisily on her pretzels, watching the scene unfold while Buffalo watched the newest episode of a animated sponge living under the sea next to her.

"Law is upset," Corazon reported gravely. "This small child pushed him too far."

Doflamingo's wide forehead furrowed with concern, and he glanced over at the projection screen on the wall nearby. Vergo's bodycam footage had provided them with all the information they needed to make their own determinations. Though, they had to admit, they'd rewound the scene of the locker room confrontation just to laugh at Sanji's size and choice of clothing. Diamante had performed a brilliant imitation of the kid just minutes earlier.

It was humorous how this small child was able to challenge their Law so defiantly, but it was also a punishable matter if Law felt threatened. If one of them was threatened, the entire family was threatened. This was the Donquixote rule.

Doflamingo grit his teeth. " _How_ upset?" he asked grievously.

"He locked his door," Corazon said with a sigh, then lit up a cigarette. "And refuses to face me himself."

"Then…we will roll out at dawn," Doflamingo ordered. Every family member nodded grimly, expressions tense. "All of you will gear up in your body armor and pull out the biggest guns you have – "

"Stuuuuuupidddddd," Baby interrupted, rolling her eyes. "Doffy, this kid is just a tiny kid. Admittedly, with all the potential to be a prince when he grows up!"

" _How_ royal…?" Trebol asked curiously, wearing a thoughtful expression while sniffling noisily. "Something we can make some money off of…?"

"NOT A REAL PRINCE," she stressed, crunching on her pretzels once more. "But he acts like one. So it's hard to not think of him as one. Anyway, you're all so dramatic – just go talk to his old man. You don't have to treat this tiny little kid like a big ole threat. _Stupids_."

Corazon looked relieved while the others looked disappointed. Doflamingo gave her a sullen frown.

"Or I could," she suggested. "Since it's obviously above your dumb heads."

"Baby, go watch some cartoons," Pink advised.

"NO! I'm _not_ a baby. I'm providing some common sense. The old man lives in the poor people district, I'm sure you can find him."

All of them looked pained.

"If we should talk to this child," Doflamingo murmured with agitation, "then _we'll_ appear as the bad guys. How to do this without killing or harming the environment…?"

Corazon gave him a disgusted look while the others wore troubled frowns.

"Besides, Law's just embarrassed that his super secret lame plan was found out. You went with it, Doffy. You helped him dress up like a girl to bother some dumb kid. It's all your fault in the first place," Baby pointed out.

Doflamingo chuckled while Corazon gave him a dull stare. "It was an amazing plan! From start to finish. I'd forgotten to ask him how it went."

Jora laughed noisily. "I gave him my prettiest dresses, I did!"

"Why didn't you let me wear one?" Dellinger cried indignantly, looking up from his Elsa dress and baby blue Timberlands.

"Hush, dear. This is about the older children, now, okay? Let me fix your hair…"

"Oh my _god_!" Law's voice rang out suddenly, tinny and far off. Baby stopped chewing to see the adults' attention riveted suddenly to what looked like a baby monitor propped up near the television set. "I'm not being dramatic – it's just that Vergo set off smoke bombs in my school, and now I'm associated with terrorists!"

"I might've stepped ahead," Vergo admitted sheepishly, scratching at his face and completely missing the lettuce leaf there. "I felt threatened by this impudent child's threatening gestures, and only intended on removing Law with force _from_ force."

"He wasn't going to do anything! And you gave me away!" Law yelled angrily. Moments later he left his room, running down the stairs to face them directly. Corazon exhaled with relief while the other family members fanned themselves with similar action. "Stop interfering with my business! Now I have to think of something to discourage him from thinking that I'm…I'm…a _crossdresser_ …!"

"Well, you are," Baby pointed out.

"A fine one indeed!" Pink complemented Law proudly.

"Almost like a real girl, yes?" Machvise said, nodding.

"Now he's aware that his dream girl is a _boy_ ," Law said with a clenched fist. "And my plan is ruined. He was totally suffering from my hurtful actions."

All of them stared at Law in heavy silence before looking to Doflamingo for guidance. He looked as if he were fumbling for the right thing to say, resting one elbow atop one knee and the other on his hip.

"Uh, well…it's all Vergo's fault," he then determined, looking at the man servant nearby.

Vergo swallowed tightly, his posture stiff. "I will take on any consequences that I have earned from my actions."

"Law," Doflamingo then said, adjusting his glasses with a thoughtful expression while the boy faced him with a petulant frown. "I totally understand where you are coming from. But this boy cannot continue bullying you. Your mental health is at stake."

"He's not bullying me, Doffy! _I'm_ the bully!"

"Well…I get that….but…it appears he has the upper hand. Cora is right," Doflamingo then said, straightening up and looking at his younger brother. "We will talk to his old man personally."

"No, _don't_! There's no need for that!" Law cried throwing up his arms with exasperation. "That's so _humiliating_! You're making a big deal out of nothing!"

"I'm sorry, Law, but one day, you'll understand," Doflamingo decided, rising to stand. Corazon joined him, but he held a hand out with a warning expression on his face. Doflamingo sighed with exasperation, gesturing at himself. Vergo quickly removed his feathery coat, hastily unbuckling his various gun holsters, knife sheaths, and what looked like some grenades attached to his belt. After everything was removed, Corazon was still with his hand out. Doflamingo sighed heavily once more, reaching into his shirt to withdraw a spatula that caused Corazon to look at him funny. He pulled on his jacket once more. "Let's go, Cora."

"What were you going to do with a _spatula_?" Corazon asked him impatiently.

"I don't know, but I was determined to find out," Doflamingo answered with a shrug, chuckling.

: :

Sanji sullenly wrote with his hand fisted around his pencil while the kitchen roared with men fighting and food cooking. Zeff was barking out orders while also taking customers' orders, and Sanji was lost in thought. He didn't want Zoro to be right but the incident in the locker room was a clear indication that _someone_ was lying.

He felt mortified that perhaps Zoro was right, and that in itself was devastating because he hated being bested by that guy. But he also felt confused because why would a boy willingly dress up as a girl to bully him? It didn't make any sense.

He sighed heavily, catching Zeff's eagle eyed attention.

"What's your problem, boy? And let it not be any of that common core shit," he barked, marching over with his fading blond hair bouncing with each step. He looked over the notebook Sanji was writing in, and noticed with relief that the opened book in front of the kid wasn't math at all. But there was a girly magazine barely hidden underneath that, so he grabbed it and hurled it to the trash can, much to Sanji's shock.

"Well," the boy mumbled, setting his pencil down, "there's this kid at school…"

Zeff immediately stiffened. But he didn't show his concern. Even when faced with the truth, it was hard to think that this kid was capable of being bullied by some older boy. It was the other way around – Sanji just didn't like other boys _period_. He wore a sour expression.

"And what of it?" he questioned, crossing his arms over his barrel shaped chest.

"And he has this girlfriend…"

Zeff rolled his eyes skyward, praying for strength.

"And I _love_ her," Sanji added with a heavy sigh, resting cheek against fist. "But she loves him best."

"Boy, I _swear_ to the heavens above…!"

"But mossy head says that this girl isn't a girl at all. It's this boy."

Confused, Zeff stared at him. Sanji sighed once more, wearing a confused expression. "Er…why does…why does Zoro say that?" Zeff asked curiously, entirely aware that Roronoa Zoro was a different type of human boy, and tended to make the worst of a situation for Sanji based on…well, common sense.

" _I don't know_. But that was what this was all about, old man," Sanji exclaimed. "Moss says this girl I fell in love with is this boy, but I can't see it. Because why would a boy dress up like a girl to play with my heart?"

By this time, all the other cooks caught wind of this conversation and were paused in mid-action. They all exchanged shocked expressions with each other and waited for Zeff's reaction, but even the old man looked stunned. His face reddened and tensed, mouth opening and closing with his own building confusion. He scratched at his hairy upper lip.

"That sounds…like…a lot of things," Zeff then said carefully, Sanji watching him with a childishly confused expression. Obviously waiting for some type of guidance from him, and Zeff was so startled of the concept that he had no mind to say anything helpful. "Um. Maybe…maybe Roronoa is confused himself."

"I mean, you're not wrong," Sanji said slowly. "Moss is stupid. But that's why the school was evacuated because the man servant threw a smoke bomb and took off, and that sounds like a guilty conscience to me."

Zeff stared at him in stunned silence for several moments, then whipped his head about to glare at the cooks. "What are all you gawking over, for? Get back to work! You're burning your shitty food – you want us with a bad reputation for burning our food, here? You want to burn food, hit the woods and burn your own food!"

They grumbled and returned their attention to their tasks, but Sanji furrowed his eyebrows with confusion because Zeff's stumbling words felt awkward. It was obvious the old man was rattled, so this made Sanji wonder if _he_ should feel rattled.

Zeff cleared his throat noisily. "Um, well…maybe it isn't what it seems, boy. Perhaps…this…girl is a relative. A cousin, playing games with your heart."

"You can fall in love with your cousin?"

"I mean, there are weirder things..."

"Sounds so _weird_ ," Sanji whispered with a troubled expression. "Do I have cousins?"

"Er, no. No, that's not…I mean…there are no laws, but…you cannot fall in love with a cousin. It's not the dark ages."

"So, she must _love_ him to risk a reputation…wow, she's so brave," Sanji whispered with awe.

"If this boy…if Roronoa says… _who_ is this boy, anyway?" Zeff asked with exasperation, leaning against the table with one scarred hand. "Whose his family?"

"Shit face's? I don't know, I think he's adopted…"

"Not him! The other one!"

"Oh! I don't know, I don't care about his name. I don't bother with things like that, old man! It hurts my teeth trying to repeat it."

Zeff tapped his upper and lower teeth together. Admittedly, he hadn't paid much attention to the principal's fumbling concerns when Sanji was suspended for bullying a boy – as far as Zeff knew, the kid allowing Sanji to bully him was some sensitive kid. But now Zeff was invested in the need to know who this kid was.

"Maybe…maybe I should talk to this boy's family," he murmured with uncertainty. "Get things straightened out."

"Don't bring up my name, but find out about her," Sanji suggested, lighting up. "Her interests, her likes and dislikes, what sort of flowers she likes!"

Zeff gave the kid a skeptic look while Sanji looked up at him hopefully. Frankly, Zeff didn't know what to think because Sanji was noticeably blind to obvious things. His mind was locked in one direction and stubbornly refused to venture into others. Zeff worried about him, sometimes.

"By the way," Sanji added, looking puzzled. " _Should_ I feel like I'm being bullied? I mean, I'm not crying about these things, and I don't feel afraid, but moss said I'm being bullied but I don't feel like crying to a teacher, so I'm wondering if I should feel bullied at all? I'm so confused on the concept…"

"Don't worry about it," Zeff assured him. "You're not the bully, here. I'll get to the root of this mess. It shouldn't be that hard finding out who this kid is…"

A server poked his head into the kitchen doorway with a bewildered look, hissing at Zeff. Once Zeff looked over, the server said, "Hey, some dudes wanna talk to you about that little brat bullying their kid."

"Oh well," Sanji muttered with a shrug. "I kicked a couple of kids today for talking to me funny. Could be either one."

Zeff gave him a dirty look, then steeled himself. Confrontations with other kids' parents over Sanji's behavior wasn't anything new. He decided to nip it now before it got any worse. He then blinked. "Say again…? Some 'dudes' bullying their kid?"

"Yeah, I don't know. They look like they're related, but they insist it's about their son."

Sanji looked mystified while Zeff wore a confused expression, the other workers' nearly snapping their necks to see if they'd heard him right. Zeff looked at Sanji with warning. "Finish your homework. I'll go deal with this."

"Aw, but I can't do it, I'm angsting, here….this is affecting my healthy wellbeing!"

Zeff marched out from the kitchen, the server pointing out the brothers that awkwardly took up one booth. They were causing other diners around them some anxiety with the way they glared back at him. Almost like they intended on some messy confrontation. But Zeff couldn't take them seriously – one looked like a clown and the other was wearing a feather coat and zebra-printed capris. It took Zeff a few moments to compose himself but he marched over.

"You got something to say to me?" he said gruffly while the pair looked at him with their sullen expressions.

Doflamingo was the first to clear his throat. " _Ahem_. Well. It appears…aren't you a little _old_ to have children that age? The plumbing still works…?"

"Aren't you flashy? There are laws against this sort of thing, y'know," Zeff returned, looking from one to the other suspiciously. "Which one of you produced the kid?"

"Finders keepers," Doflamingo replied, grinning while Corazon looked ready to reply, wanting to correct the old man. "Anyway, enough details. Our child is being driven into a corner, and we'd only like to correct the situation."

"Well, before you start, it's obvious where your kid gets his…tendencies," Zeff commented, eyes roving over Doflamingo's outfit before skirting to Corazon's makeup. "Dressing him up as a girl to flirt with…my boy…"

"Let's not give weight to any misunderstandings," Corazon interjected hastily. "First off, these boys are rivals. They're _children_ , who knows how they reached the conclusions that they have…!"

"So, _your_ boy was dressing up like a girl to confuse _my_ boy…?" Zeff asked, perplexed.

"He did, but not for the reason you think - !"

"Law's plan was flawless and worked well," Doflamingo interrupted his sweating younger brother's stammers. "He knew your boy wasn't afraid of boys, so he used a _psychological approach_ to break down your boy's mental capacities. It's a well thought out plan, and one an adult could only admire."

"Well, I don't know about that," Zeff said with uncertainty.

"All that we ask," Doflamingo continued, hands steepling together, "is that our children come to a truce. Keep your touchy kid away from ours, or there will be consequences…"

Zeff stiffened, but his expression changed to warning. "Is that a threat?"

"It is."

"It is NOT," Corazon said hastily, looking panicked. He looked at Zeff while he kicked his older brother's shin, Doflamingo jolting in his seat. "Uh, sir, this has been a bunch of misunderstandings, and all it appears is that these two scratched each other wrong. They aren't deliberately trying to hurt each other, but they can get a little…challenging. Your boy is violent, please teach him to keep his feet to himself. And our boy will leave him alone and stop leaving spiders in his locker…or whatever."

Zeff's right eye twitched. But he looked to a scowling Doflamingo, eyes dropping briefly to his jacket before returning to the man's hidden eyes.

"That masher _better_ be for mashing potatoes for a large family, later," Zeff warned him while Doflamingo jolted and Corazon looked at his brother with confusion. "And not for mashing faces in an act of violence."

After some still silence, Doflamingo calmly withdrew a potato masher from his jacket sleeve, Corazon looking at him in disgust. Clearing his throat again, Doflamingo grinned up at Zeff.

"So, those old eyes are for appearance, only."

" _Doffy_ \- ! Look, owner," Corazon said hastily, mangling his brother's name with warning first, "Law made the mistake of…pretending to be a girl because it was difficult getting your boy's attention - !"

"Why does he want Sanji's attention?" Zeff asked.

"Law felt like he was…being ignored. He is rather prideful and…"

"It doesn't make sense. Your boy is much older than mine, why should he care for a little boy's attention?" Zeff's face stiffened. "Is he one of those weirdo kids that lure in - ?"

" _NO_!"

"Separated by a year and three quarters," Doflamingo corrected.

"That doesn't make this any better," Zeff returned.

"Law is awkward with personal relationships, and that's _all my fault_ ," Corazon continued hastily, wearing a panicked expression. "He just wanted to be Sanji's friend and he went about it all wrong! Other kids are jealous of our Law because he's a good looking kid. Sanji found him a threat because Law is good with girls."

Doflamingo gave him a bitter look. "Why would he want to be this kid's friend when there are better boys to be friends with?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Zeff asked him with a snap. "You saying my boy ain't good enough to be your kid's friend?"

"Yes."

" _NO_! Law obviously realized your kid's potential to be as smart as he is," Corazon interjected, kicking Doflamingo again, "and that sort of thing inspires his interest! It's a healthy rivalry, they could inspire each other to be intelligent - !"

"By _dressing up in girls' clothes_?" Zeff asked, confused.

"If your kid isn't smart enough to realize this, then perhaps he needs a healthy lecture on his sexuality," Doflamingo suggested. "Law is comfortable exploiting flaws and weaknesses in other children, and it's this sort of genius that gets misunderstood - !"

"He shouldn't be exploiting other children at all!" Zeff snapped at him, reddening in the face.

"Maybe it was Law's purpose to show this child that he's overcompensating - !"

"Overcompensating for _what_?" Zeff snarled at Doflamingo.

"Law is helping your child see the true light, his true future, and while it's uncomfortable to accept, your child is obviously bi-confused," Doflamingo went on comfortably, resting his arms atop of the bench backing. "So perhaps you should…straighten him out. I know certain camps that are willing to take him."

" _DOFFY_!" Corazon hissed with growing horror.

Zeff looked at him furiously. "So now you're accusing my kid of being ' _confused'_ while your kid runs around in a _dress_?"

"I mean, we're cool parents. We're accepting and loving. We don't try to hide things, we bring them to the light. You're much too old to be raising a child in these freeing times, stuck in the olden times where repression meant acceptance. You're confusing your own child with your outdated ideals. You should thank us for bringing this up to your attention so you can correct your mistakes."

" _GET OUT_."

"See? Authoritarianism already."

"NOT THAT. The fact that you are confused! This bullshit you speak - ! My kid isn't confused, _yours_ is confusing _him_!"

"Ah ah ah, older man," Doflamingo chided while Corazon rested his head into his hands, "don't try to suppress my child. Don't bring your outdated ideals to attempt to label mine. He's free to define himself however he wants. _You_ should rethink how you're defining yours. C'mon, brother. There is no breaking down brick walls with words. I think we now know where we stand, here."

"Get out, and don't come back!" Zeff snapped at him, picking up the potato masher. He bent it in half before allowing Doflamingo to take it. The pair made to leave the booth, then realized it was going to take some effort. Zeff realized this as well, turning to give them room to do so.

He returned to the kitchen, spying Sanji sitting with the obvious indication that he had been spying on them. Folding his arms over his chest, Zeff stared down at him menacingly while Sanji sweated under the weight.

He eventually looked up at Zeff with confusion. "What does bi-confused mean?"

"Er…well…obviously…you need to stay away from that boy," Zeff stuttered. "Because…! His parents - !"

"So, they're his _parents_? Two _men_? _Brothers_? I thought that there were laws against that – "

" _Whoever_ they are to him – never mind the details, we aren't exactly friendly enough to know the…exact…details, _but_ ," Zeff added, finger up while Sanji continued to look confused, "do not…under any circumstances…allow this boy to lead you anywhere by yourself."

"Okay. I mean… _why_?"

"Just don't. Because…he sounds like a pervert."

"Well, just kick him in the balls, right?"

"Err...yes. But -!"

"I'm not afraid of no _boy_ ," Sanji then scoffed, shutting his book and revealing another girly magazine that Zeff immediately confiscated, "but does this mean he really was dressing up as a girl?"

"I guess…listen, boy," Zeff then said, leaning in close with a large hand on the kid's shoulder, "sometimes people do things that we don't understand. And it's okay, as long as it doesn't mean life or limb. If he wants to go this route, it's nothing to make fun of or tease. Treat him as you would any other boy until he tells you otherwise. Is this understood?"

Sanji stared at him with immense confusion, eyes largely round in his face. "So. He can be a boy that dresses up as a girl to…?"

"He can," Zeff said with a heavy sigh. "That makes him no less or no bigger than you."

"Then…if he's a _boy_ …dressing like a _girl_ …then…do I treat him as a boy or girl?"

"Er…if he's a boy, treat him like a boy. If he's a girl, then…treat him like a girl…?"

Sanji continued to look confused, but he exhaled heavily while Zeff inwardly panicked. "Okay, then," Sanji said with a shrug. "I _guess_ I can see how that goes. It's weird, though, I'm not gonna lie, old man."

Zeff realized this was going to be beyond his understanding. He fretted momentarily while Sanji erased something on his paper to write over properly, noting the little note atop of the paper that dedicated some compliments to his teacher.

"Sanji," Zeff then said tentatively, scratching at a sideburn, "do not be mean to this child. It appears he is…confused, and it's not his fault. And so, he might be taking it out on you. When you're both grown up, you'll know what to do then, but for now…treat him…with thoughtfulness."

Sanji gave him that wide-eyed look of confusion then an awkward shrug. " _Okay_. I'll give it a try."

Zeff expelled the heavy air that built up in his chest as a result of this encounter, and he turned away wearily while Sanji resumed writing. The other cooks were looking at Zeff with a mixture of pain and awkward understanding, and all Zeff could do was shrug.

Meanwhile, the brothers had made their way to the car, Corazon wearing a paled expression of horror. Doflamingo examined his broken masher with consideration while Gladius and Trebol waited to hear what happened.

"I think that went rather well," Doflamingo chuckled. "That old man knows exactly where he stands in relation to us and our boy. If he continues to allow his kid to terrorize Law, we can sue them and destroy them for everything they have. I'll turn this dump into a golf course and make millions."

Corazon rolled his eyes.


End file.
